Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: Word Humor


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 241
Date:
Word Humor


I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger; then it hit me.
-----------------------------------------------------
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
-----------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
-----------------------------------------------------
The biggest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
------------------------------------------------------
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
------------------------------------------------------
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
------------------------------------------------------
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
------------------------------------------------------
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
-------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar and got twelve months?
-------------------------------------------------------
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement and became a hardened criminal.
-------------------------------------------------------
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
----------------------------------------------------------
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
-----------------------------------------------------------
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
-----------------------------------------------------------
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
-----------------------------------------------------------
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
----------------------------------------- ------------------
A will is a dead giveaway.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
-------------------------------------------------------------
A backward poet writes inverse.
-------------------------------------------------------------
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
--------------------------------------------------------------
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
--------------------------------------------------------------
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
--------------------------------------------------------------
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
---------------------------------------------------------------
The guy who fell into the upholstery machine was fully recovered.
----------------------------------------------------------------
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'Taint mine.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
------------------------------------------------------------------
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
---------------- --------------------------------------------------
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
If you jump off a Paris bridge you are in Seine.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.


__________________


Profuse Pontificator

Status: Offline
Posts: 564
Date:

Right back at'cha!

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, because I couldn't concentrate.  


I tried working in a pottery factory, but got fired.


Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.


Then I got a job as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.  


I was fired from a job at a zoo feeding the giraffes because I just wasn't up to it.


Playing percussion was fun until I got drummed out.


I tried bagging groceries until they gave me the sack.


I was a gardener for a while, but I didn't grow with the job even though I was racking in the money.


I worked in the movies as a Grip, but got let go.


After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. They fired me, but it was ok, the job was only so-so anyway.  


I was a baseball pitcher in the minors, but got tossed out.


I was a photo enlarger, but got downsized.


Being an electrician was fun, but the work was just too shocking, even though it kind of turned me on.


So I switched careers and tried to build things for a while, but nothing worked. 
Working the lathe was fun until I got turned out.  I enjoyed the drill press, but got chucked.  So I made guns for a while, but was discharged.  I built fences until they showed me the gate.  I even built boxes until they sent me packing. 

I helped make the gunpowder, but they blew me off.


Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.  


I'd still be selling lingere to this day if they hadn't given me the pink slip.


I was a cobbler and got booted, so I taught Tae Bo 'til I got kicked out.


I enjoyed teaching, but couldn't make the grade.


I worked at the landfill, but got dumped.


I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.  


Being an usher was fine, until they showed me the exit.


Gardening was fine, until I got weeded out.


I attempted to be a deli worker, but no matter how I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.  


My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found it wasn't note worthy.  


I was doctor, and gave it my best shot, but I didn't have any patience.  


Never did become an eye doctor - I just can't stay focused.


Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.  It never touched my sole.


I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.  


I tried being a wizard for a spell.  


I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.  


I tried my hand at being a professional gambler, but no dice.


So I only lasted two weeks at Starbucks.  Day after day, always the same old grind.  


So I got a job in the bakery slicing bread, and that worked out ok until I got cut.


After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.



__________________
And I'd discuss the holy books with the learned men, seven hours every day.
That would be the sweetest thing of all.

Ohhh....
If I were a rich man...


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 241
Date:

Thank you, LM. Those are cute.

__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.

Tweet this page Post to Digg Post to Del.icio.us


Create your own FREE Forum
Report Abuse
Powered by ActiveBoard