I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger; then it hit me. ----------------------------------------------------- Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. ----------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. ----------------------------------------------------- The biggest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. ------------------------------------------------------ The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. ------------------------------------------------------ To write with a broken pencil is pointless. ------------------------------------------------------ When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate. ------------------------------------------------------ The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. ------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar and got twelve months? ------------------------------------------------------- A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement and became a hardened criminal. ------------------------------------------------------- The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground. ---------------------------------------------------------- The dead batteries were given out free of charge. ----------------------------------------------------------- If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory. ----------------------------------------------------------- A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail. ----------------------------------------------------------- A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. ----------------------------------------- ------------------ A will is a dead giveaway. ----------------------------------------------------------- Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. ------------------------------------------------------------- A backward poet writes inverse. ------------------------------------------------------------- In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. -------------------------------------------------------------- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. -------------------------------------------------------------- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. -------------------------------------------------------------- When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. --------------------------------------------------------------- The guy who fell into the upholstery machine was fully recovered. ---------------------------------------------------------------- You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under. ----------------------------------------------------------------- A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'Taint mine. ------------------------------------------------------------------ A boiled egg is hard to beat. ------------------------------------------------------------------ He had a photographic memory which was never developed. ---------------- -------------------------------------------------- When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. -------------------------------------------------------------------- If you jump off a Paris bridge you are in Seine. -------------------------------------------------------------------- When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, because I couldn't concentrate.
I tried working in a pottery factory, but got fired.
Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
Then I got a job as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
I was fired from a job at a zoo feeding the giraffes because I just wasn't up to it.
Playing percussion was fun until I got drummed out.
I tried bagging groceries until they gave me the sack.
I was a gardener for a while, but I didn't grow with the job even though I was racking in the money.
I worked in the movies as a Grip, but got let go.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. They fired me, but it was ok, the job was only so-so anyway.
I was a baseball pitcher in the minors, but got tossed out.
I was a photo enlarger, but got downsized.
Being an electrician was fun, but the work was just too shocking, even though it kind of turned me on.
So I switched careers and tried to build things for a while, but nothing worked. Working the lathe was fun until I got turned out. I enjoyed the drill press, but got chucked. So I made guns for a while, but was discharged. I built fences until they showed me the gate. I even built boxes until they sent me packing.
I helped make the gunpowder, but they blew me off.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
I'd still be selling lingere to this day if they hadn't given me the pink slip.
I was a cobbler and got booted, so I taught Tae Bo 'til I got kicked out.
I enjoyed teaching, but couldn't make the grade.
I worked at the landfill, but got dumped.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Being an usher was fine, until they showed me the exit.
Gardening was fine, until I got weeded out.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but no matter how I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found it wasn't note worthy.
I was doctor, and gave it my best shot, but I didn't have any patience.
Never did become an eye doctor - I just can't stay focused.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in. It never touched my sole.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I tried being a wizard for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I tried my hand at being a professional gambler, but no dice.
So I only lasted two weeks at Starbucks. Day after day, always the same old grind.
So I got a job in the bakery slicing bread, and that worked out ok until I got cut.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.
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And I'd discuss the holy books with the learned men, seven hours every day. That would be the sweetest thing of all.
