OK, this is a small thing. A very small thing. But it just happened and it's something so prevalent among certain members of my family that I'm very sensitive to it and so I'm a bit angry right now.
Let me 'splain.
I have a friend with whom I share a hobby. She is very well off and can afford to buy LOTS of gear associated with said hobby. I am not, so what I tend to do is throw at-home parties for hobby gear on the rare occasion (like once every 2 or 3 years) so that I can earn discounts on hobby gear. This friend says she will only buy from this at-home company once a year during a specific sale, so I plan my rare parties specifically so this friend can buy gear at my party (she tells me to do it this way). Another friend of mine does the at-home sales and though she typically does her business in a very different way, she goes out of her way to do this rare thing for me. This last week I held my party. Unfortunately despite my best efforts the turnout was poor, and sales were poorer, but I wasn't too worried because I had given my friend a catalog over a week in advance and she was going to place an order. Except she forgot. And then she was too busy. And broken promise after broken promise after broken promise later, she calls me tonight to say she has a birthday party for her daughter and oops she didn't fill out the order form and yes she knows tonight is the last possible minute to get the special she wants but no I can't go over and pick up the order or help her fill it out and what is wrong with me and my salesperson friend that we don't really feel like getting the order from her at 10:00 tonight? But that's what I have to do, because I don't have enough for a party without her order, and to get the sale (which is the only way she will buy, remember), it has to be in TONIGHT.
So now I'm perturbed. I have family members who are perfectionists that you can't count on because they a) overcommit themselves and b) make promises impossible to keep to somehow 'look' okay to the people they are making promises to (I have literally been stuck on street corners for HOURS waiting for rides from family members that promise but never come, for example). Now it looks like I have friends the same way. Do I just learn to never trust anyone, so I'm never caught out on a limb like this? I don't know what to do about my friend, either. Do I act like nothing ever happened? Forgive her but never trust her again? My family members that are untrustworthy have prepped me in such a way that I just want to smile and nod and never trust her again, keeping the (now somewhat awkward and untrusting) friendship intact.
How do normal -- scratch that -- how do GOOD people deal with such a thing without encouraging and enabling the self-destructive behaviour of making promises you can't keep?
Dyany, normal people don't say anything because that would be rude.
If I were as confident and assertive in real life as I am here on Bountiful I would tell my friend that it seemed that her behavior indicated that she is really not interested in making an order. I would tell her that I am annoyed and frustrated that I planned this party around her, at her request, only to be dismissed in such a rude way.
If you don't communicate your frustration, she'll see nothing wrong with her behavior. And yeah, you'll never trust her again. But you'll still have to deal with her. If you're honest, but respectful, you may lose her association, but then it won't matter whether you trust her or not.
It is hard for me to understand how you friend did not see herself as really asking a lot of you to come that late at night and refuse to order otherwise. But, that is how life is. It seemed like it made perfect sense to her. Sometimes people can have unrealistic expectations.
And you can tell her how you feel. But I get the feeling that you kind of let her know that when she demanded that you come at 10 pm at night.
You can in a calm way let her know that you wish that she would respect your time and resources better. And maybe she will understand and maybe she won't. That's the thing--you can't expect her to see things the way that you do. She may also be rather stubborn. Some people do not have the word "I'm sorry" in their vocabulary. However, they may do things that are very generous and kind at times.
Dyany, I am sorry that you have had so many let you down. It is hard to trust. I have had so many people be nice to me. I have also felt that some have let me down in areas very important to my safety. And I can't know for sure where they are accountable or if maybe it was just meant to be. But I do know that we have to be as independent as possible. But there is always going to be some ways that we need another person. If certain people are not trustworthy for something very important, it would be wise to find other more trustworthy people for that need. And there are very trustworthy people in this world. There are people who bend over backwards to help. There are people worthy of your trust. Don't give everyone a bad rap for the mistakes of a few. I know that I have rehearsed my pain so many times to myself and that does not help me to heal or move past things. Do I have a right to be angry? I don't know. It is so complicated. I thank God for his protection. I thank God that my life is as good as it is right now and that my situation is so much better. I can understand why people build walls and do not trust. I also have been overwhelmed by the compassion and goodness of so many.
Dyany, I hope today is a much better day for you!!!
Thank you, ladies. Well the friend called back, a little after 9, and said that she was reminded of some other obligations and decided she can't make an order at all. She apologized, but with the excuse that her family made her very busy this week and they are more important. So, she knows she was rude, but she doesn't recognize that she could have behaved differently so there's nothing I could say that would change anything, now or in the future. Sigh. I guess my choice, then, is to quietly distrust now.
I WANT to be a trusting person. I WANT to follow the Savior and turn the other cheek (well...okay I usually don't want to do that but I do want to follow the Savior). But I want to do the right thing and support good behavior, not be an enabler. I just don't know how to do both.
It's possible her "well off" status could be in serious trouble that you know nothing about and her self-esteem being tied up in that, she can't be forthright with you about her reasons for blowing you off.
If this has to do with Pampered Chef or scrapbooking, I'd run far, far away!
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Life is tough but it's tougher if you're stupid. -John Wayne
Dyany, it sounds like the friend did apologize and say that she was rude. From what you said, she did not recognize enough of how she could have behaved differently. I'm sorry for the conflict that you are facing. I know sometimes people can be short on money. I wish she would have been more upfront with this if she knew all along. I know it can be hard sometimes when you want to support a friend with their hobbies or jobs as she may have wanted to do when you don't have the money.
Is there other ways to get the items for the hobby such as ebay or garage sales?
I think hobbies are good as they give a person a way to express themselves. And it sounds like some people have been good to help you with your hobby. I think it is good to look at where people have tried to help past or present.
I hope that this does not become a wedge between the two of you. It is often small things that drive friends apart. And friends aren't so easy to come by.
Yeah, what's the hobby? I'll give much better advice if I know the hobby. Cuz, you know, if it's something like horseback riding, that's totally awesome!
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Life is tough but it's tougher if you're stupid. -John Wayne
how do GOOD people deal with such a thing without encouraging and enabling the self-destructive behaviour of making promises you can't keep?
You've dealt with this particular problem before with your family, so you've probably got a heightened sense of hurt when you feel betrayed. Something along the lines of "Oh no, not again. Why do I keep attracting such dysfunctional behavior? "
But I'd suggest that you shouldn't write off your friend just yet. From the sounds of it, you've been friends for years, yet it sounds like this is the first time she's done something like this. Don't paint her with the same brush as your family at this point. Unfortunately, we all fall short at times, and having friends cut us slack is not enabling, it's compassionate and forgiving.
It becomes enabling when the bad behavior is chronic and habitual, and you are asked again and again to swoop in and save the day.
I know where you're coming from, because I've got my own tender spots and have to work really hard not to assume the worst when someone stumbles into my private hurts.
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They might not look it, but bunnies can really take care of themselves.
OK, few things: 1. Hey I used to sell Pampered Chef! So don't dis it! :P *ponder* OK, I stopped selling it for a reason, so you can dis it a little.
2. OK, ya got me, it's scrapbooking. Which I used to mock as well. But then I was going through my college pictures and I was horrified to realize that I was starting to forget the names and stories behind the pictures. So I started scrapbooking. I don't do anything fancy, I have yet to even touch anything like a crop-a-dile or whatever that thing is, but I do like pretty paper and putting a couple of little things on the page that enhance the background of the story behind the picture.
3. Actually, she told me the other monetary obligations and I'm fine with that. It just would have been handy to know two weeks ago. Without all the broken promises. But even if she DID have some hidden financial troubles, that's no excuse for the broken promises. Just say, 'sorry I can't right now.' I accept that from everyone else; I don't believe in pushing people to live beyond their means.
4. Di, you're mostly right. I have rarely seen this level of flakiness with my friend (though I have seen it in smaller degrees quite often but I have always blown it off). I was never going to write her off, just not trust so much. I have trust issues anyway -- which I guess is one reason this hurt so much; I had grown to trust this sister on such matters and I don't generally extend trust anymore. But I realized this morning that I flake out much more often these days than I used to, and I don't have nearly her excuses.
Basically, I am feeling better today than I was, not nearly so disgruntled. I will be more careful on such situations in the future, perhaps not trust so much, but I can still forgive. Thanks girls.
(Actually, since I'm kinda late to this party, so I haven't heard coco's reasons for disliking scrapbooking. Is it because it's so omnipresent? The cutesy/busy pages factor? The ridiculous amounts of money women spend on the hobby?)
Actually, I'm kind of the anti-scrapbooking scrapbooker. Almost all of those into the hobby would find my books boring. There's no patterned paper or brads or ribbons or flowers or stickers or rub-ons or buttons or staples or... My books have photos, solid colored backgrounds, and lots and lots of journaling. I'm kind of a nazi that irritates everyone else because I'm always saying, "But what's the point? Where's the story?" As far as I'm concerned, a scrapbook should be a journal with photos.
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They might not look it, but bunnies can really take care of themselves.
Well... you and I are pretty much on the same page, then. I like keeping track of the stories... the kids with rotting chicken up their nostrils and swallowing stuff and all that... I do photos with acid-free paper but don't do the fancy scissors and stuff.
I generally don't like it when people cut and paste and think they have artistic talent. It's like coloring a color book for crying out loud... I saw this one page of a kid eating his first ear of corn. I'm not kidding, it was like "Where's Waldo?" Finally after 5 minutes I'm like, "There he is!" Couldn't find him for all the scarecrows and Wizard of Oz and crows and corn muffins all over the place.
Only thing more phoney is stamping. Holy
Luv ya!
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Life is tough but it's tougher if you're stupid. -John Wayne
no unhallowed hand can stop the work from progressing... the truth of God will go forth till it has penetrated every website, sounded in every ear, till the purposes of God shall be accomplished and the great Jehovah shall say the work is done
FWIW, Dy, my wife scrapbooks and I support her in the effort. I think it's a great way to preserve memories that make old photoalbums hold more meaning. Don't worry about those who scoff at it, they're just ignoring the Spirit which is prompting them to do more with their family history but instead they're fixated on food storage.
--Ray
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I'm not slow; I'm special. (Don't take it personally, everyone finds me offensive. Yet somehow I manage to live with myself.)
You know, I like cake decorating. Ace of Cakes is one of my favorite shows. I like to make cool cakes for my kids' birthdays. Maybe that's sort of the scrapbooking of food storage...
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Life is tough but it's tougher if you're stupid. -John Wayne
:lol: I think you got it, Coco! I could never stand cake decorating; why put so much talent and effort into something that will be digested in only a few hours? (Though I will admit Ace of Cakes does some coooooool work.) So we're even. :) Besides, if I ever horrifically overdo a scrapbook page of my own accord, I give you permission to come over to my house and mock me.
I would tell my friend that it seemed that her behavior indicated that she is really not interested in making an order. I would tell her that I am annoyed and frustrated that I planned this party around her, at her request, only to be dismissed in such a rude way.
don't tell coco I scrapbook.
I'm thinking scrapbooking makes people weeeeeird.
