Polly asked these provocative questions in her response to comments I made about quotations in the latest Hometeaching message about caring for our children.
--Ray
POLLYANNA WROTE: Ray, I too was impressed with the message we were given when our HTers came. Hubby and Son will be doing their HTing this weekend... Unfortunately hubby has a family that is in crisis because of failure to address some parenting responsibilities, and he is trying to figure out how to address this topic without alienating the parents...
Does anyone else see absentee parents becoming the norm in their community? I am disturbed at the #s of kids (15-17) we know through our son (17.5) that go for days without seeing a parent... Their only communication is by text messages or voice mail... To my way of thinking that seems a kind of abandonment... Even among a few of our LDS acquaintances, we see this attitude that life is something to rushed through as fast as possible and where it's okay for human contact to be limited... That is really scary to me. It's not that the parents are never home... but they fly through their home without speaking to their children... and it's not just the kids that see their lives this way. One of my work acquaintances made a comment a while back that she isn't sure why she had kids... she doesn't particularly like them, and she's simply waiting for the day that they are old enough to "kick out" legally...
Some individuals have bought into a society of people who are... "too busy"... for life... If we fall into that water... we will miss the boat. I keep thinking of this scripture:
DOCTRINE AND COVENANTS SECTION 45
26 And in that day shall be heard of wars and rumors of wars, and the whole earth shall be in commotion, and mens hearts shall fail them, and they shall say that Christ delayeth his coming until the end of the earth. 27 And the love of men shall wax cold, and iniquity shall abound. 28 And when the times of the Gentiles is come in, a light shall break forth among them that sit in darkness, and it shall be the fulness of my gospel; 29 But they receive it not; for they perceive not the light, and they turn their hearts from me because of the precepts of men. 30 And in that generation shall the times of the Gentiles be fulfilled. 31 And there shall be men standing in that generation, that shall not pass until they shall see an overflowing scourge; for a desolating sickness shall cover the land. 32 But my disciples shall stand in holy places, and shall not be moved; but among the wicked, men shall lift up their voices and curse God and die. 33 And there shall be earthquakes also in divers places, and many desolations; yet men will harden their hearts against me, and they will take up the sword, one against another, and they will kill one another. 34 And now, when I the Lord had spoken these words unto my disciples, they were troubled. 35 And I said unto them: Be not troubled, for, when all these things shall come to pass, ye may know that the promises which have been made unto you shall be fulfilled.
-- Edited by rayb at 10:54, 2007-12-14
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I'm not slow; I'm special. (Don't take it personally, everyone finds me offensive. Yet somehow I manage to live with myself.)
I've found that many teens require a lot of effort just to reach... so it may be that the parents are just really tired of trying to do that.
I've a good friend whose family is suffering similar challenges. Their teen has developed some very negative and cynical views because of the bad behaviors of the parents. Now, as they strive to overcome their own personal problems, it seems they are at a loss to do anything to reach this young lady.
All the more reason to do your best when they're young, I suppose... rather than depend upon fear and intimidation as a means of control as a parent. It's an easy fix when they're younger, but when they're older it doesn't work quite as well...
--Ray
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I'm not slow; I'm special. (Don't take it personally, everyone finds me offensive. Yet somehow I manage to live with myself.)
I have many fond memories of my youth. Out of 8, only 1 child has significantly struggled. I often wish my son could be as free as I was.
My mother, on the other hand, is scarred for life by the realization that she was a "drop-out mother" as she puts it. She feels she can never make it right. (even though there doesn't seem to be anything to "make right". We're all fine)
One minute I feel like a helicopter parent (involvement in school, homework, time spent with son, etc) and sometimes I wonder if I'm becoming my mother (going back to school, etc) It's very hard for me to find a balance I'm comfortable with.
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"My days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle."
I am confused... why would any parent think of using fear to reach a teen...??? They are afraid of nothing in my experience... Few if any respond well to threats. None of that makes sense to me. Reason works with most teens we have dealt with, but fear??? That ones a non-sequitur, if you ask me.
I mean really... teens think they are indestructible!
FTR... I am not talking about parents that work... I am disabled and I work outside the home... I am often not "around" physically either... I am talking about parents that don't "care" Ros...
Let me give you an example... We had a boy that was staying at our house for a few days... at one point I asked him if his mom was okay with that... he said his mom didn't care... Anyway after the 3rd night I suggested gently that he call his mom or give me her # and I would. He gave it to me, said he had nothing to say her... (in not quite those words, and not in a nice way...) This was ONE child... I could site a dozen more from my son's list of school "friends" whose parents are hardly even noticable in their lives.
When I finally reached this mom, she had no clue where her son had been staying... she said "Hes a big boy, he can take care of himself... I don't keep that close of tabs on him." Reality was, for 4 days and 3 nights she hadnt cared where this child was... he is not quite 16 yet. That makes my heart hurt for the children that I see who live like that. And I wonder how they will ever learn to love if they are not loved by parents.
My kids have lots and lots of freedom and independence, and I can trust them to be upfront with me about what is what... Our relationship is built on years of trust and mutual respect... and I KNOW where they are... at all times. Sometimes they dont like their friends to know that, but privately they say they are glad we care enough to check up... Maybe I am just splitting hairs, but I think that independent teens with caring parents are WAY different than "relationship FREE teens" with absentee parent.
our home has served as a haven for the 'cast off' kids of parents too self involved to care for their offspring. and all too often, no one called to see where they were or for how long.
we had one who didn't believe a bath was a necessary commodity. (THAT assumption was corrected in our home IMMEDIATELY) He also didn't believe that doing laundry was a big deal either. Again, correction time.
the sad part is that the DNA donors (I REFUSE to call them parents) figured that 'somebody' would take care of them if they couldn't take care of themselves.
now that Eldest son is on mission and these kids are kids no longer, they have drifted into lifestyle choices based on how they were raised when NOT in our home.
I didn't see it as dissing... just wanted to make sure that at least we were talking along the same lines... which I guess we weren't. It is my opinion though that in today's world a lot fewer kids will survive the world and all it's ugliness without some sort of involved parenting...
As a couple we have cycled through a couple hundred kids over the years, mostly friends of our own kids... some LDS, many NOT... some of them joined the church and even went on missions because of our kids' influence in their lives... We didn't do everything even close to right, but those kids always knew that we loved them and that they could come to us for emotional support...
I had such great parents... I wish everyone could have grown up in my birth home... including my own kids... Their grandparents for several years lived just down the road a ways... I am glad they had that influence in their lives... I wish I were HALF the parent my own parents were...
It is my opinion though that in today's world a lot fewer kids will survive the world and all it's ugliness without some sort of involved parenting...
This, I totally agree with. This is what i meant when I said I wish my son could be more free. He could never survive today the way I did.
I went through 13 years of school and I think my mother came to my school once in all those years. She had no idea what classes I took or what activities I was in.
That would never work now. For one thing, my son wouldn't pass 6th grade. I never had homework.
In my youth, going to school was the safest time of day--now, I wonder if I want to risk sending my son to middle school. And I live in happy valley!!!
It's depressing.
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"My days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle."
now, I wonder if I want to risk sending my son to middle school.
wow... so true. I guess the only thing to do is keep that communication open and keep encouraging independence. FWIW, by HS none of my kids needed my help in maneuvering the rapids. They were and are the kinds of kids others follow... not followers themselves... They are so much better than I am. Part of that is their need to be wise and fearless in the face of family challenges many others have not had.
I am a firm believer that Father allows us some experiences because he knows we need to grow faster than we are normally willing to grow. I suppose for some challenging family situation are the catalyst for that growth...
By the age of 10 Daughter could cook... my kids started doing all their own laundry at 8... they have all needed to save and provide at least a good part of their own missions, college, and adult lives away from home... It's been our goal to help them "get" independent, and develop a desire to return to live with their Father in Heaven... not keep them forever dependent on us... Their dependence needs to be on the Lord not us...
Sounds to me that these are your goals as well... My experience is that working at this goal is the important part of the battle. That is certainly not absentee parenting... I applaud all those that are working so hard to build strong families... no matter what their personal parenting approach.
I've a daughter who can't read that well (age 7) who can cook pretty well already. She also likes to clean... All the other kids act like they can't do a darn thing. :)
Is there such a thing as Absentee Kid-ding?
--Ray
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I'm not slow; I'm special. (Don't take it personally, everyone finds me offensive. Yet somehow I manage to live with myself.)
I love doing that myself.
