With conference so close, what are your predictions for what they'll talk about? My wild, baseless predictions: We'll all be asked to live the United Order. Roper will be named 2nd counselor in the first presidency. They'll add the book of Lehi to the Book of Mormon.
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If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude than the animated contest of freedom, go from us in peace. May your chains sit lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen! - Samuel Adams
Coco will be called as General RS President and will add her favorite word to the RS motto thingie.
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"The promptings of the Holy Ghost will always be sufficient for our needs if we keep to the covenant path. Our path is uphill most days, but the help we receive for the climb is literally divine." --Elaine S. Dalton
I'll be called to repentance publicly, by name no less, in every address given by a member of the First Presidency and Quorum of The Twelve, and told that in order to obtain forgiveness, I will be called to fill a 5 year mission to France without purse or script...
Announcement of the Church buying one of the MAC schools in Ohio and renaming it BYU-Ohio...
Tithing can now be deducted directly from your pay check as a pre-tax dollars fringe benefit...
Faithful Church members should include in their family emergency plans and home food storage a working business plan for multi-level marketing schemes...
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It seems to me the only thing you've learned is that Caesar is a "salad dressing dude."
It will be announced that all those who attain 20 yrs membership will have their tithing reduced to 9%. Once the 30 yr mark hits, 8%. Further, to increase baptisms, new members will be offered a special 12 month discount of 5% on their tithing.
New announcement of General Conferance format to change. The prophets will speak on Saturday sessions and lay members from around the world will conduct and speak on Sunday sessions. The change has resulted due to excessive sleeping during the Sunday sessions and lack of attendance on the Saturday sessions. The first area to supply speakers will be drawn from the most posters on online LDS forums beginning with the letter B.
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It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
They will announce that handguns will now be a required item for 72-hour kits and a recommended item for food storage. Mirky will be retained as a special consultant to decide which models to recommend, and there will be a correlated spike in Glock shares as a result.
Roper will be brought before a church disciplinary council for trying to persuade members to substitute Sigs.
Deseret Book will publish Bok's definitive handbook for Mormons detailing how to reload your own brass, defend your food storage, and build up a year supply of ammo. The title "Loading, Defending, Storing: LDS for LDS" will stay at #1 on Deseret's best-seller list for the next several months and Bok will become a millionaire. She'll be speaking at "Time Out for Women" around the country next year.
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The ability to qualify for, receive, and act on personal revelation is the single most important skill that can be acquired in this life. - Julie Beck
Beefche is still here? I thought she was recalled?
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"The promptings of the Holy Ghost will always be sufficient for our needs if we keep to the covenant path. Our path is uphill most days, but the help we receive for the climb is literally divine." --Elaine S. Dalton
No, no... That's next week... She's going to be made the new General Primary President! To which she exclaims "It'll be a barnyard of Sisters in the Presidency, Beefche, bok, and Spotted Horse...
Which reminds me...I just loved Sister Thompson at the RS Broadcast...'I've been asked to speak on family. Probably because I've never made a mistake with my own children.'
(For those who missed it, she has no children of her own.)
What brought that up...oh, General Conference...and stuff. I don't know. Bonus joke for y'all.
They will announce that handguns will now be a required item for 72-hour kits and a recommended item for food storage. Mirky will be retained as a special consultant to decide which models to recommend, and there will be a correlated spike in Glock shares as a result.
Roper will be brought before a church disciplinary council for trying to persuade members to substitute Sigs.
Deseret Book will publish Bok's definitive handbook for Mormons detailing how to reload your own brass, defend your food storage, and build up a year supply of ammo. The title "Loading, Defending, Storing: LDS for LDS" will stay at #1 on Deseret's best-seller list for the next several months and Bok will become a millionaire. She'll be speaking at "Time Out for Women" around the country next year.
There is always the chance to repent Roper. If you buy that Glock now, there will be no need for a discipline hearing!!!
Deseret Book will also create a "Time Out for Men" and Mirk will go around promoting Bok's book as well and will be giving live demonstrations on loading guns and firing a Glock properly. The demand for tickets will be so high they will have to double the price, people will have to reserve seats months in advance.
Every talk in conference will mention Internet Porn.
That doesn't seem so weird and outlandish to me, Ray. We had a combined lesson on that very topic this Sunday. They even invited the aaronic priesthood to meet with the melchizidek priesthood and relief society.
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If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude than the animated contest of freedom, go from us in peace. May your chains sit lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen! - Samuel Adams
As a quick step out of silliness, pornography problems and addictions are way more widespread within the church than most would suspect. And from what I've seen, it can often be harder to get recovery from a pornography addiction than other addictions.
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"The promptings of the Holy Ghost will always be sufficient for our needs if we keep to the covenant path. Our path is uphill most days, but the help we receive for the climb is literally divine." --Elaine S. Dalton
There are many types of addictions that are becoming more manifest in church members, I would venture to guess. I don't think that simply being a member of the Church makes a person less prone to having addictive aspects in their personality. Porn is just one, albeit a very insidious and serious one. It is perhaps the most common scourge the adversary has been able to use quite effectively against the children of man in our day.
I would make a not-so wildly speculative guess that there will not be much talk about other types of addictions (aside from a talk on the WoW), because generally, I think most people don't think much about it because if one is focusing in on striving to live the gospel, namely the basics, they will be more apt to avoiding the other sorts of addictions people easily fall prey to.
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It seems to me the only thing you've learned is that Caesar is a "salad dressing dude."
At special request from the Pentagon to The First Presidency via the behind the scenes, under the table money trail of the Mitt Romney campaign, Ray will be called on a super-secret mission from the pulpit to the Axis of Evil to call them to repentance. He will be given no purse (hey, it's too feminine) and will have to learn Axis of Evil script, and will be so covert that Jason Bourne looks like a meter maid. Ray will have none of Mirk's best friends at his disposal, and he will be instructed not to shake the dust from his feet when he is rejected... he will be told to deploy massive amounts of raybies.
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It seems to me the only thing you've learned is that Caesar is a "salad dressing dude."
New corporate sponsers of the big screens in the Conference Center, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, and several church historical sites will be announced as part of the church business portion of conference, with a special broadcast formally recognizing the naming entities held between Saturday sessions.
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It seems to me the only thing you've learned is that Caesar is a "salad dressing dude."
The church will announce that it is moving its headquarters to the Kremlin in Moscow.
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If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude than the animated contest of freedom, go from us in peace. May your chains sit lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen! - Samuel Adams
Sometime the choir is going to sing Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing and Coco will get totally pissed (again) at the MORON that was responsible for taking it out of the hymnbook.
-- Edited by Cocobeem at 23:50, 2007-10-01
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Life is tough but it's tougher if you're stupid. -John Wayne
Sometime the choir is going to sing Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing and Coco will get totally pissed (again) at the MORON that was responsible for taking it out of the hymnbook.
-- Edited by Cocobeem at 23:50, 2007-10-01
Ahem. I believe it was a general authority. Of course I have no citation.
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"There is order in the way the Lord reveals His will to mankind. . .we cannot receive revelation for someone else's stewardship." L. Tom Perry
There's a boy in my daughter's kindergarten class named Porter. My daughter heard his mom call him "Porter-loo" after school so now that's his permenant nickname.
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Life is tough but it's tougher if you're stupid. -John Wayne
Plan on getting your picture taken with your barcoded Temple Recommend.
On the serious side,
Sweetheart is set that Jay Jensen will be the new apostle.
We are still vacilating between Elders Dallin Oaks, Jeff Holland and Boyd Packer as the new member of the First Presidency.
I'm thinking that Elders Christofferson, Anderson, Costa and Samuelson are on the list of possible Apostles.
There could be a darkhorse like Bednar lurking out there.
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no unhallowed hand can stop the work from progressing... the truth of God will go forth till it has penetrated every website, sounded in every ear, till the purposes of God shall be accomplished and the great Jehovah shall say the work is done
News: The Church will announce at Conference that a new edition of the Hymn Book will be published beginning of 2008...with "Come Thou Fount" put BACK in.
Ooh, Elder Jensen would be good. He came to our Stake Conference this year. Good man.
Due to a lack of tithing faithfulness amongst the Saints, Church HQ has determined there is a need to increase the Sunday Meeting block to 4.75 hrs, and Home Teaching and Visiting Teaching will now incur a nominal monthly fee for the families that are visited / contacted.
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It seems to me the only thing you've learned is that Caesar is a "salad dressing dude."
You mean I'd have to pay to be subjected to all those questions? I'll pass.
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"The promptings of the Holy Ghost will always be sufficient for our needs if we keep to the covenant path. Our path is uphill most days, but the help we receive for the climb is literally divine." --Elaine S. Dalton
To which she exclaims "It'll be a barnyard of Sisters in the Presidency, Beefche, bok, and Spotted Horse... 
Bonus joke for y'all.
