I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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Life is tough but it's tougher if you're stupid. -John Wayne
"The promptings of the Holy Ghost will always be sufficient for our needs if we keep to the covenant path. Our path is uphill most days, but the help we receive for the climb is literally divine." --Elaine S. Dalton
Now let's discuss how we could appropriately mold this joke to a Mormon audience. In the punchline you might create more of an innuendo, and say, "I got drunk once, and woke up next morning next to a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."
There the crassness of the actual act is obscured by innuendo. And in a way it's a funnier joke. Let's try our best to keep our humor appropriate to tell President Hinckley. Because he might just join us here in Bountiful... if he ever gets bored...
--Ray
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I'm not slow; I'm special. (Don't take it personally, everyone finds me offensive. Yet somehow I manage to live with myself.)
Quick, Coco! Snatch up Alteredemailforwards.com and begin your legacy.
-- Edited by hiccups at 12:27, 2007-09-26
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"The promptings of the Holy Ghost will always be sufficient for our needs if we keep to the covenant path. Our path is uphill most days, but the help we receive for the climb is literally divine." --Elaine S. Dalton
Old men got nuthin' on religiously-themed slightly-stereotypical Irish jokes.
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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up Irish Whiskey"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians".
Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?
Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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LM
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And I'd discuss the holy books with the learned men, seven hours every day. That would be the sweetest thing of all.
Old Ned Divine walks into the pub and takes a seat. Next to him are seated to men who strike of a conversation. Patrick says to the other feller, "What be yer name?" "Fin" replied the man. "Well I'm Patrick and it's a pleasure to meet you. Your broag sounds very familiar, you wouldn't happen to be a Dublin man would ya Fin?" "Why yes I would," replied Fin. "Well I'll be, that's where I'm from," declared Patrick. "What part of Dublin would that be Fin?" "I'm from Temple Bar," declared Fin proudly. "Saints be praised, that's where I'm from!" shouted Patrick. "I lived on Westmooreland street" cried Fin. "Amazing" chimed in Patrick. "I lived there my whole life. It's a wonder we didn't run into eachother."
About this time the bar keep brought Ned Divine his drink and swore under his breath.
