American culture is VERY HARD on people that are overweight. it is the ONLY class of folks that can be openly derided without the least bit of Political Correctness getting in the way. My wife and I are both overweight, but I admit that like Arbi when I asked her out on a date I was VERY worried about how it would appear to others, when I first dated her. I admit that it was a weakness in me to not have immediately seen past that, and in fact I had seen past it--else I wouldn't have asked her out, but still there was this sort of weird sensitivity--are people laughing at me and her?

Also, like arbi notes, when you see two overweight folks, you figure, "Oh they're both so clueless". And an overweight guy may not like himself enough to see that an overweight woman might approach her weight in a completely different way... in other words, they're looking to marry or date someone who can help them be a better person, and they don't like the fat part of them... and figure... it'd only be worse if they were together.

It's like you don't want to put your heart out to someone who no one will respect. Some of the key factors that changed things for me, was that I recognized (on our first date) that she was the type of person who was fun and I enjoyed being with. She took my spontaneity in stride and just enjoyed herself. She was confident in herself. There's a stigma about being overweight that probably has some truth to it, that those who are visibly overweight have deep-seated problems or lack discipline. 

I look back at my history of dating and I had a tendency to date girls who were fun and not necessarily supermodels all through high school too. One time my father took me aside and lectured me that it was nice that I was being noble and dating girls that were overweight and such, but if I was serious about moving into a relationship that was more than just "fun", but someone I would eventually fall in love with, because the fat girls were the "safe" choices, I'd want to go out on a limb more and ask other girls... essentially he was trying to get me to date some girls who were more attractive physically, take a risk socially, so that I'd have good grandkids or something... dunno... you know I really don't know what my dad was trying to tell me, now that I think about it... but I remember how indignant his comments made me feel--he just seemed so shallow at that moment, cuz (despite my many social problems) I'd taken to heart that we were supposed to date and befriend and even fall in love with actual people we respected and were friends with and enjoyed being with... I assured him that I really did like these girls and they weren't mercy dates.

Even though I had made that stance when I was high school, I still remember wondering what my family would think if I married this girl. I remember how my sister in law commented on just how beautiful my wife was, and how good that made me feel. My parents both threatened me with my life if I screwed up the relationship. :) They thought she was great... It was that kind of support that really launched me past any further prejudices I felt.

And I'm so lucky to have found her. She's an amazing person who has an amazing family... I can honestly say that I have probably one of the best marriages I know of... we just love being together all the time... Sometimes perhaps a bit too much... I still have issues and have a lot of room for improvement, but it's all thanks to looking past the skin-deep thing...

--Ray

-- Edited by rayb at 13:32, 2007-09-18

I have a daughter-in-law with fairly serious OCD. She actually married a fellow who is amazingly patient and kind to her, and helps her through her trials. We all think he's a saint... though I know he's got his own trials, he's a good man. Anyhow they are out there, but in order to find that person you have to be willing to break down your own prejudices, stereotypes, fears, and all the rest... Ultimately in my own case, I relied greatly upon God to help me, and by relying upon Him, I also didn't get so down on myself, when things didn't work out with dates or social events... cuz well, if God had wanted things to be different... it would be.

--Ray

Oops... I meant to say sister-in-law... :)

I think what you're refering to as "stages" is what Arbi's referring to as cynicism, etc...

I do like your analysis of the different stages though... I've known those feelings to some degree too... didn't get married right off my mission, and in fact my parents and relatives all made my marital status something to worry about... (I was 26... hah, I know, but in Mormonia, you worry!)

--Ray

He was a Momma's boy.

I think people matured at the same age, they just lived longer. It's not like they wore diapers till there were 10 or something.