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Post Info TOPIC: Dance of Tears


Future Queen in Zion

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Dance of Tears


The sparkling rainbow dances
around the crystal water
with steps so graceful
they almost flow together
becoming a single,
gliding wave of motion.
It calls to me,
promising to ease my pain,
hypnotizing me
with it's gaze of flirting light.
"Dance with me," it says,
"I'll make you free
and let you love yourself."

-- Edited by hiccups at 18:18, 2007-07-08

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"The promptings of the Holy Ghost will always be sufficient for our needs if we keep to the covenant path. Our path is uphill most days, but the help we receive for the climb is literally divine." --Elaine S. Dalton



Profuse Pontificator

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Brine Dance


How wonderful to read before I go to sleep! I love the imagery. Whimsical poems are among my favorites!

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Future Queen in Zion

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I wrote that when I was about sixteen. I was digging through my old poems and thought I'd see how it would be received here.

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"The promptings of the Holy Ghost will always be sufficient for our needs if we keep to the covenant path. Our path is uphill most days, but the help we receive for the climb is literally divine." --Elaine S. Dalton



Senior Bucketkeeper

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I'm dense. It's a nice poem, but... What does it have to do with brine? confused.gif

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Future Queen in Zion

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It's about crying... or that moment right before as your eyes are tearing up and you're still trying to see through the tears. It used to have another line at the end that sorta made that more obvious, but I took it out because I wanted to end at the quote.

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"The promptings of the Holy Ghost will always be sufficient for our needs if we keep to the covenant path. Our path is uphill most days, but the help we receive for the climb is literally divine." --Elaine S. Dalton



Understander of unimportant things

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Since poetry is all about communicating a snapshot of a feeling or a scene or experience to the audience, I would recommend somehow working a reference back in to the tears somewhere within the poem so the audience can make the connection.

Like Bok, I was wondering what it had to do with brine, unless you were talking about rainbows or something off of sea foam or ocean water...

For example, you could replace the first word in the fourth line "they" with "tears", as that is what the pronoun is referencing, isn't it?

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Future Queen in Zion

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RE: Dance of Tears


I couldn't change the "they" as it reprents both the water and the rainbow. I did realize the name of the poem could be changed to be less subtle, though. Is that better? Besides, I liked the word brine a lot more when I was sixteen. It seems less appealing in my older age. laughing.gif

-- Edited by hiccups at 18:26, 2007-07-08

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"The promptings of the Holy Ghost will always be sufficient for our needs if we keep to the covenant path. Our path is uphill most days, but the help we receive for the climb is literally divine." --Elaine S. Dalton



Senior Bucketkeeper

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To continue the unsolicited picking, you switch from they to "it"... ?

But I like the title "dance of tears". That helps me "get it" much better. I told you, I'm dense when it comes to poetry. shrug.gif

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"My Karma Ran Over My Dogma"


Future Queen in Zion

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Yes, Bok, I switch from "they" for the rainbow and water to "it" after they become one. (...becoming a single, /gliding wave of motion...) I'm gonna stand by that one. wink

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"The promptings of the Holy Ghost will always be sufficient for our needs if we keep to the covenant path. Our path is uphill most days, but the help we receive for the climb is literally divine." --Elaine S. Dalton



Senior Bucketkeeper

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Oh I see. The wave is the it. Sneaky. smile.gif

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"My Karma Ran Over My Dogma"
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