The sparkling rainbow dances around the crystal water with steps so graceful they almost flow together becoming a single, gliding wave of motion. It calls to me, promising to ease my pain, hypnotizing me with it's gaze of flirting light. "Dance with me," it says, "I'll make you free and let you love yourself."
-- Edited by hiccups at 18:18, 2007-07-08
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"The promptings of the Holy Ghost will always be sufficient for our needs if we keep to the covenant path. Our path is uphill most days, but the help we receive for the climb is literally divine." --Elaine S. Dalton
I wrote that when I was about sixteen. I was digging through my old poems and thought I'd see how it would be received here.
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"The promptings of the Holy Ghost will always be sufficient for our needs if we keep to the covenant path. Our path is uphill most days, but the help we receive for the climb is literally divine." --Elaine S. Dalton
It's about crying... or that moment right before as your eyes are tearing up and you're still trying to see through the tears. It used to have another line at the end that sorta made that more obvious, but I took it out because I wanted to end at the quote.
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"The promptings of the Holy Ghost will always be sufficient for our needs if we keep to the covenant path. Our path is uphill most days, but the help we receive for the climb is literally divine." --Elaine S. Dalton
Since poetry is all about communicating a snapshot of a feeling or a scene or experience to the audience, I would recommend somehow working a reference back in to the tears somewhere within the poem so the audience can make the connection.
Like Bok, I was wondering what it had to do with brine, unless you were talking about rainbows or something off of sea foam or ocean water...
For example, you could replace the first word in the fourth line "they" with "tears", as that is what the pronoun is referencing, isn't it?
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It seems to me the only thing you've learned is that Caesar is a "salad dressing dude."
I couldn't change the "they" as it reprents both the water and the rainbow. I did realize the name of the poem could be changed to be less subtle, though. Is that better? Besides, I liked the word brine a lot more when I was sixteen. It seems less appealing in my older age.
-- Edited by hiccups at 18:26, 2007-07-08
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"The promptings of the Holy Ghost will always be sufficient for our needs if we keep to the covenant path. Our path is uphill most days, but the help we receive for the climb is literally divine." --Elaine S. Dalton
Yes, Bok, I switch from "they" for the rainbow and water to "it" after they become one. (...becoming a single, /gliding wave of motion...) I'm gonna stand by that one.
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"The promptings of the Holy Ghost will always be sufficient for our needs if we keep to the covenant path. Our path is uphill most days, but the help we receive for the climb is literally divine." --Elaine S. Dalton
