Hubby has so much confidence in me, for some years I didn't understand it... But since I have complete confidence in HIM, I finally decided he must be right... I CAN do what is asked of me, most of the time. And once I do my best, I pray for a peaceful heart about that "thing". That has been working pretty good so far.
There seems to be a strong correlation between confidence and competence.
I don't buy into the whole daily-affirmation-to-build-confidence approach: I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me. (For old-school SNL fans.)
I help my students become competent, and then I reinforce their successes. Self-confidence comes as a natural by-product in most cases. When someone has a question about bugs, I refer them to Kylie, who is our class expert on bugs. She becomes poised, articulate, and confident when she helps someone learn about bugs.
I'm pretty incompetent when it comes to drawing. I have little confidence to draw in front of my students. I really wish I could illustrate like Ray does. So, I'll be taking an art class this summer :)
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The ability to qualify for, receive, and act on personal revelation is the single most important skill that can be acquired in this life. - Julie Beck
It sure does help to have someone else have confidence in me, but I found that I needed to have some sort of confidence in myself.
Around the time I was turning 20, I felt this huge need for change. I'd been hanging out with the same guys for over a year, and we had great times, but we were all so comfortable around each other, and I was "one of the guys". We all lacked confidence, but me hearing how they were afraid to ask girls out made me think "These guys are wimps! Don't they realize that most girls will say yes and have a fun time?!"
I also realized that I had the same lack of confidence, so I decided that I better make sure I'm confident if I wanted a confident guy. So I made goals, allowed myself to grow closer to the Lord, and allowed myself to go out in the world. I got a job that I never would have thought to apply for before, and it helped me immensely, in that I now needed phone and people skills that I had never before had to practice and was always afraid of. Now, I'm still a little afraid. Engineers aren't always the most personable people. But when push comes to shove and I'm put in a situation where I need to take action, confidence takes over and I'm no longer afraid.
I had also been holding some grudges and some anger from high school. It wasn't full-fledged, but it still lingered. Once I was finally able to let go of that, I felt so much better about myself as a person.
I still lack confidence, but back then I felt pretty good about myself. I still get shy, but I had the confidence to go for the guy that I'm now marrying (and he had the confidence to go for me...we were both pretty forward). It was funny because we never had a shy period when we were getting to know each other, so when we see it around other people it's weird.
I guess I just have more confidence the more my life is in order. If I'm doing what I should be doing, if I'm praying, reading my scriptures, being kind to others, living a productive life instead of playing freecell all the time, then I'm more confident. It's something I always have to work at.
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Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you.
— Oscar Wilde
I don't buy into the whole daily-affirmation-to-build-confidence approach: I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me. (For old-school SNL fans.)
I help my students become competent, and then I reinforce their successes.
Well, doggone it, I'm smart enough to realize that is just your military training. Have you ever considered that telling your students to drop and give you fifty may be telling them they aren't good enough if they can only manage fourty, and that maybe people will like them more if they aren't so sweaty afterwards?
Actually, I agree with you. The best way to instill confidence is to give someone the good ole pat on the back when they show competence. That old daily-self-affirmation thing is only as good as the truth it is built on. Truely humble people (in relation to The Lord) can be some of the most confident people there are.
-- Edited by Cat Herder at 09:48, 2007-05-16
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It seems to me the only thing you've learned is that Caesar is a "salad dressing dude."
I agree with Roper to some degree, yet it seems that some children and people in general have a lot of confidence, even when they are in unfamiliar settings, while others have absolutely none... I have a daughter who really struggles with her fears. I struggle in the professional sector to have confidence in my abilities, even when given compliments. You mention drawing, Roper, but ironically I don't feel that I hold a candle to a truly talented illustrator, and my parents never instilled in me the idea that drawing was much more than a creative way to waste time. I have really tried hard to help my children have confidence in any situation they find themselves, but often I don't know how to do it myself. I think there's a component of self-discovery to the process that I lack. The fact that you're going out of your way to learn a new skill in which you recognize you have a weakness is the very essence of the type of confidence I'd like to instill in my kiddos. I think there needs to be a measure of safety that one is not afraid to expose one's own weaknesses in order to work on them, as well... I think there are alot of components to the whole concept of confidence.
--Ray
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I'm not slow; I'm special. (Don't take it personally, everyone finds me offensive. Yet somehow I manage to live with myself.)
I think there needs to be a measure of safety that one is not afraid to expose one's own weaknesses in order to work on them, as well... I think there are alot of components to the whole concept of confidence.
That's a very important concept for children, Ray. Here's an example: My students like to play Around the World with math flashcards. We don't use math facts that we haven't practiced in our large group, math stations with partners, and individual work. That way, when it's time for kids to perform in front of their peers, they have had multiple chances to develop competence (and a degree of confidence) in their abilities.
I think most of us are terrified of failing in public.
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The ability to qualify for, receive, and act on personal revelation is the single most important skill that can be acquired in this life. - Julie Beck
Roper wrote: I think most of us are terrified of failing in public.
I knew there must be a reason for the recurring nightmares when I was a kid of being a toddler in a diaper up on the stage in the spotlight in front of all the adults in the ward / stake / church / community / world.
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It seems to me the only thing you've learned is that Caesar is a "salad dressing dude."
I find this a very interesting topic. I've liked all the comments so far. I really like the confidence and competence connection. I think that's what I personally try to live by in my own life. If I'm feeling like a lousy -fill in the role here- I try to DO something. It doesn't even have to be that big of a thing. It's almost as if the change of direction was what was important. I believe in the law of the harvest, so when I compare myself to others I feel are "above" me in some way I tell myself they've earned it and so could I. I also believe some things in the Pre carry over, so I also tell myself if they have apparent "bad luck" or "good luck" in this life, there are things I do not know or see.
As for the kids --- man, what an important thing to try to instill in our kids, huh? MrCoco talks about his college days pre-mission and how much more fun he COULD have had if he'd had more confidence. He really wants our kids to not be afraid. I don't know exactly how to instill this in kids. My oldest two seem to be very confident. My third not so much. My fourth seems to be extremely so and the baby's too young yet. Did I mess up somewhere with #3? What an awful thought.
I guess I try to make a "safe" home environment, where they can be accepted and loved for their own uniqueness and talents (and know that if someone razzes them meanly, they will find protection!!). I try to make a place of open communication. Try to get at the heart of what's really going on - not just the surfact stuff.
I guess I also try to remind them to focus on others. I was very shy as a child and wouldn't participate in certain things like the 6th grade swim party or things where I didn't know anyone. (Being scared of water didn't help, either.) The first day of school was always a trauma for me. Looking back, I think a lot of that stemmed from my being self-absorbed a lot of the time. My jeans don't fit quite right. I have braces on this year. My shoes aren't cool enough. I don't have a best friend right now. I try to get the kids to think about the OTHER kids who will be having a traumatic time and help them out - just a smile, or talk to them a little bit. If they see someone alone, I remind them to think of how they must feel and how easy it could be to just say hi or sit by them and it could make such a big difference for that person. Get them outside themselves and their shoes or hairstyle. I don't know.
I'd love to hear more on this! Excellent points.
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Life is tough but it's tougher if you're stupid. -John Wayne
A comment by Jason seems like a good time to bring out a mini-poem I wrote some time ago. Such a discourteous word is incompetent. You cannot really sweeten it by putting a compliment on top of it. Like the vinegar that repels the flies it dims the eyes. And crowds out the good where it lingers and lies.
This is an intriguing thread. I am not sure I know what makes some people confident and some not confident.
I like the link between competence and confidence, but I can think of exceptions. I once was in a ward where a YW played the violin in sacrament meeting. I want to say this as kindly and charitably as possible: She was awful. It was excruciating to listen to and you couldn't even tell what song she was playing even though it was a well known melody. But she was very confident. In fact she was confident enough that she did it again a year later (with the same results). I don't know if the confidence came from people telling her how good she was or what, but in her case there was no connection whatsoever between confidence and competence.
So you can be confident without being competent.
On the other hand I know several people who are highly competent and who have little confidence. Sometimes these people mystify me because they are so good at what they do--how could they lack confidence in their exceptional skill? But they do.
So you can be competent without being confident.
Still, being competent certainly can help with confidence.
I know for myself, experience has helped my confidence. I have a lot of experience with public speaking and so I am confident when I have to get up and speak in front of a group of people. I still feel a little nervous before hand, but I much more comfortable than I used to be. Of course that goes along with the competence idea because I know I have succeeded in the past so I don't worry about failing now.
I think that I build confidence in myself by convincing myself that the risks are low. I will consider "what is the worst thing that could happen if I mess up?" Usually I realize that nothing devastating is going to happen no matter what I do, so I don't need to fear failure. That boosts my confidence. It isn't that I am fooling myself. I'm just helping myself see clearly that the stakes aren't as high as they seemed at first. One way to lower the stakes is to not care what people think. If the consequences of failure aren't bad and if I don't care what others will think of my failure, then I have nothing to fear so I can be confident.
If confidence is defined by risk taking, I have little confidence these days. And yet, I often have feelings of being comfortable with my self that I think would be considered confident. I read a comment at another forum frequented by some here from a man who said he had confidence in his ability to do things but lacked self-worth. I am not very independent in terms of what this world would classify independent and I lack a lot of basic skills to even function and yet I have felt that I have had self-worth. My feelings of self-worth are much less than they were prior to my mission and especially prior to ocd manifesting itself in the way that it did six months after my mission. I am better than I was but it continues to humble me in ways that makes me ashamed and hoping so much for the mercy of God.
I was a very good student in high school. I studied so hard and a lot of my classes were in the lowest track. I had some College Prep courses that I performed well in and doing well in Spanish and Alegebra II really helped build my confidence. I was so afraid to go to College knowing how I get information overload. I never took more than 14 hours and did a lot of part-time. I did not generally work a lot of hours and sometimes I was not working at all. I had much success in College and discovered in some of my upper-division classes how very much I like abstract thought and studying theories. Also, I have felt that I have good critical reasoning skills. This flies in the face of my ocd that some would consider so illogical. And in the realm of ocd, people can make me feel worse than I would be comments such as "What do you think?" Just the other day, someone was pointing out that there was no way possible that I could stand up and hit the light buld in an octupus lamp. I think I have perceptional problems as I cannot judge distances and that is a huge problem with my ocd. Also, I can't reason things out a lot in regards to certain areas of ocd. People have been so kind to me when I didn't even feel worthy to live. Therefore, I have to be so grateful and humbled for their kindness. Rehearsing their comments helps me to function moment to moment in certain situations. I would completely loathe myself if they did not tell me this madness was in my head. What people may not realize is that it is really hard for me to tell the difference between my catostrophic thinking and what is realistic. Drop by drop, I have needed people to tell me that what I think is far-fetched. I couldn't do it on my own. I still do not function fully and avoid a lot of situations that are too painful for me. I recognize doing things often helps me get better. But it also makes me worse because the worry is so great that I don't want to go through that again even though everything turned out okay. I don't worry about my own safety generally and my greatest worries deal with children and babies. I try to avoid seeing my nieces who are so cute. However, I enjoy hearing about them. And I have seen them enough that their sweet faces are right in my mind's eye.
I think I have learning disabilites. In addition, I was abused when learning to do chores. Then, there were off remarks by people reinforcing that I don't do things right.
On the plus side, I never expected to hold down a job or do well in college due to my spacey nature.
It has been very important for me in recent years to realize what I can do even with my condition.
As many know, poetry is important to me. I read a lot of poetry so much better than mine. And yet, I have found it gratifying to be creative and to enterain.
Cocobeem, #3 child is comparing himself/herself to the first 2. Constantly praise #3 in everything. My #3 was lacking in confidence for a while too, until I figured out the counsel I just gave. Made all the difference in the world.
Lack of confidence begins in childhood. Too often well intended parents instill it in their children, although sometimes a child is simply timid.
As we get older we allow those in authority to define what we do well and what we don't. A person in authority is anyone whose opinion is very important. This process is known as "giving away our power". Taking it back is essential.
Remember that perfection is a process, not an event.
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The stroke of the whip maketh marks in the flesh: but the stroke of the tongue breaketh the bones
Convert- I haven't actually thought of that as a possibility, since she is 6 and 8 yrs. younger than the oldest two. Maybe that's part of it... I'll have to concentrate on that more.
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Life is tough but it's tougher if you're stupid. -John Wayne
I agree timid children struggle with this. I think often our reasons for timidity are valid, or based in good desires--a desire to do the right thing...
It is a strange thing to learn to be a screwup and learn to live with it... and know that a perfect Father in Heaven still loves you despite all those flaws.
I find it interesting that Joseph Smith mentions Confidence of one's life is acceptable before God as the third key element in exercising faith unto salvation, in the Lectures on Faith.
--Ray
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I'm not slow; I'm special. (Don't take it personally, everyone finds me offensive. Yet somehow I manage to live with myself.)
As a three of five from my former borg incubator collective, I am either too timid or too apathetic or to groggy at work this afternoon to comment on anything that has been said on this thread in the last week.
Yet, I also find it interesting what Ray said about Joseph Smith saying what he said in Lectures on Faith. Ultimately, confidence isn't to be found in what others think, but what The Lord thinks about the individual...
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It seems to me the only thing you've learned is that Caesar is a "salad dressing dude."
