DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.
OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.
JUDGE JUDY: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \..... reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
__________________
I'm not slow; I'm special. (Don't take it personally, everyone finds me offensive. Yet somehow I manage to live with myself.)
As far as I know, this is the largest collection of LDS-themed CCtR jokes anywhere on the planet. 80% of it comes from the ZLMB board back in it's heyday, which I organized and have been adding to ever since. And now here it is, for Bountiful denizens to consume.
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints version)
Laman: To usurp the authority of his older brother chickens and to take possession of their coop.
Brigham Young: Because this is the right place to cross the road.
Brigham Young: Crossing the road is no test for chickens today. All fowl can claim to cross the road. That doesn't make them chickens.
Orson Pratt: Because she is the Whore of Babylon, the mother of harlots and abominations of the earth! She is crossing the road called Apostacy!
Joseph Smith: This new holy prophet has gone to Carthage and swore that I had told him that I was guilty of crossing the road. This jaywalkism! Why, a man dares not speak or wink, for fear of being accused of this.
Joseph Smith's mother: My son could probably have told you…….. if he had been well read. I tell you that boy just did not like to read.
Joseph Smith: Verily this is the word of the Lord, that the road shall be crossed by the gathering of the hens, beginning in this place, even the place of the coops, which coops shall be reared in this generation.
Martin Harris: I have never denied seeing the chicken cross the road.
Gordon B. Hinckley: I don’t know that we teach that the chicken did cross the road, it is more of a couplet than anything, as the road was the chicken did cross it.
GBH - isn't it wonderful, isn't it marvelous - I raised that chicken in my own back yard.
Paul H. Dunn: I remember one time when a chicken wandered into my foxhole on Okinawa...
Thomas S. Monson: "The chicken crossing the road reminds me of a story. When I was serving as a branch president a charming little town in Germany, I was met one day by a young rooster in tattered clothes begging for eggs. My heart went out to this rooster, as I noticed how shabby his feathers seemed compared to the others, and how he hung his head in embarassment as the attractive chickens passed on by without so much as a friendly "hello."
Lilburn W Boggs: I don't care which side of the road the chicken's on, you have permission to kill it.
Missonary: (quoting scripture) "Go Ye unto all sides of the road & preach the Gospel to every living thing"
Elder's Quorum President: It was the 31st and he had to get his Home Teaching done.
Relief Society President: That's where the chickens needing compassionate service were.
Laurel: Because she saw a bunch of cute roosters on the other side of the road.
Deacon: That's where the refreshments were.
Nursery Leader: To get a drink of water and go to the bathroom. But the chicks were only permitted to cross reverently, in a single file and under the supervision of two or more hens or roosters.
Scout Master: Now group up close to me boys and I'll show you where the reported road crossing took place. See if you can find the tracks and tell me what kind of animal made this crossing. If you're not sure about the tracks then look for further evidence such as droppings or fur or feathers. Make a note that responsible animal husbandry would not have allowed for the opportunity this animal seized to cross the road and if we are going to keep animals...we MUST do it responsibly. Write a two page essay on ways to prevent future road crossings and see Bro. So-and-so to sign off on your merit badges.
Mark Hoffman: Would you like to buy the chicken's original diary documenting his crossing of the road?
Lamoni's servants: We don't know why it crossed the road; all we know is its wings had been cut off.
Temple Square Guide: The acoustics are so good you can hear the chicken cross the road from any seat in the Tabernacle.
President Merrill J Bateman: I'm not so much concerned that the chicken crossed the road but that its feathers were not knee-length.
Gerald Lund: Not only did this chicken cross the road, but his whole family crossed the road as well. The grand, panoramic story of this chicken's family will be told in mysoon-to-be-released 36 volume set "The Cluck and the Glory."
Lorenzo Snow: As the egg is, the chicken once was; as the chicken is, the egg may become.
Neil A. Maxwell: "Many of us chickens are afraid to cross on our own steam, instead relying on the mercies of others who would throw us in the right direction. Such chickens set their hearts on tossings, rather than crossings.
Joseph Fielding Smith in "Answers to Chicken Questions" Question: Why did the chicken cross the road? Answer:The scriptures are very clear on this question. The word "chicken" is mentioned in the scriptures, let me see.......doh! Ok, see 2 Nephi, a careful reading will give you the answer.
Daniel C. Peterson: To get to the phone and call 1-800-FARMS15 and order my book which will not be named so I can be humble and meek and not upset a certain person around here who will remain nameless.
Sheri Dew: Just as the eternal destiny of the chicken can not be achieved without the road to cross, neither can the road be totally fulfilled without a chicken to cross it.
Brant Gardner: The word chicken can be reduced down to its elementary properties we can recognize in the numerical form 66. ‘Highway 66’ is a well-known 21st century catch phrase implying freedom of movement and new beginnings. Thus the parallel between the actual chicken and the actual road is obvious and truly amazing.
John Gee: Ashment not only is refuted by the evidence that the chicken is Egyptian, but he stands alone in proclaiming that it never intended to cross the road.
Anti-Mormon: Obviously the chicken was deceived by the LDS leaders into believing that the truth would be found on the other side of the road and if it could only make it there it had a chance of becoming God. Not being able to think for itself and discouraged from reading road maps or other non-LDS literature it blindly rushed to the other side of the road where it has miserably been trying to earn it's way back into heaven ever since.
Antimormon: Why do Mormons not study chickens so that they can intelligently discuss the question as to why the chicken crossed the road?
Antichicken: There have been roughly 4000 changes from the original story of the chicken crossing the road.
Former LDS Chicken : I once was lured into crossing the road but I found Jesus, Praise the Lord, and He taught me that it didn't matter which side of the road I was on as long as it was the OPPOSITE side of the LDS. Because of my refusal to stay on the same side of the road as my LDS friends and family I feel that they have begun to avoid me and so my life is miserable all because of them. It was so miserable that I joined a club of OTHER former LDS chickens and we all stay on the opposite side of the road as the LDS and complain about the LDS on the other side. It helps us to control the feelings of being outcasts from the LDS community.
Athiest- What chicken? What road?
Trinity believers- The chicken, the road and the sky are all the same.
NOAH: To find her rooster to get in line to board the arc.
MRS. NOAH: A dove, stupid, he said a dove!
ABRAHAM: And the Lord appeared to me and said, Abraham, Abraham, take the chicken, thy only chicken, that thou lovest, and take it across the road...
LOT: I told her not to look back.
MOSES: Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has crossed the road part-way and becometh unclean.
DAVID: Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no road!
GOLIATH: A slingshot and a what??????
SOLOMON: To make that determination, I propose cutting the chicken in half.
Apostle Paul's version of the question: Else what shall they do which cross the road, if the road cannot be crossed at all? why are they then crossing the road?
Actually, it is a little-known fact that the whole Book of Mormon is structured around the ancient Hebrew poetic form known as "Chickasmus." When we understand this, we gain bold new insights:
Genesis: because he wanted to know what was on the other side. GENESIS 5: And rooster knew his wife. And rooster did begat chicken. And chicken did cross the road. Exodus: to escape from Egypt. Leviticus: to sacrifice an offering to the Lord. Numbers: to reach the next camp. Deuteronomy: because he had covenanted to do so. Joshua: to enter the promised land. Judges: because it was right in his own eyes (there was no king in Israel). Ruth: to be with the one she loved. 1 Samuel: because he was anointed to do so. 2 Samuel: to have a better view of Bathsheba. 1 Kings: to obtain cedars for building the temple. 2 Kings: because he was taken there in a chariot of fire. 1 Chronicles: to steady the ark. 2 Chronicles: he was being carried away captive. Ezra: to get back to Jerusalem. Nehemiah: to have his genealogy recorded before he entered the city. Esther: to attend a banquet (it was a matter of life and death) Job: to comfort his friend. Psalms: because that is where the paths of the righteous lead. Proverbs: to learn wisdom. Ecclesiastes: there was no reason. ECCLESIASTES 1: I have seen all the chickens under the sun and all are vanity. ECCLESIASTES 3: A time to cross, a time to stand still Song of Solomon: to [censored by board moderator] Isaiah: to gather to the Lord’s ensign. ISAIAH: I came upon a valley of dry chicken bones... Jeremiah: to escape destruction. Lamentations: Why? Why? Oh why did you cross? Ezekiel: it was a sign to the children of Israel. Daniel: to battle with the king of the south. Hosea: because the Lord commanded it (though some people say this was just an allegory) Joel: because the day of the Lord was at hand. Amos: to transgress at Bethel and Gilgal. Obadiah: to bring word from the Lord to the heathen. Jonah: to hide. Micah: because he was like a young lion and could do whatever he wanted. Nahum: to escape from Nineveh Habakkuk (have-a-cluck?): to walk upon the high places. Zephaniah: to see if anyone was left in the city. Haggai: because the Lord stirred him up. Zechariah: to enter Jerusalem (riding upon an ass). Malachi: to prepare the way for the coming of the Lord. MATTHEW 6: The farmer misunderstood. I said, "Turn the other cheek, not turn the other chick." Matthew: to be baptized of John. Mark: to join the great multitude following Jesus. Luke: to tell people of the empty tomb. John: because he was sent. JOHN 7: He among you who has not crossed roads, let him cast the first egg! Peter: I've told you twice already, I don't know that chicken! Acts: to preach the gospel. Romans: because no road could separate him from the love of God. 1 Corinthians: because God had called him to do so. 2 Corinthians: he did not know (he walked by faith, not sight). Galatians: to remove himself from the gospel and return to his old church. Ephesians: because he was tossed there by the winds of doctrine. Philippians: to reach the mark of the prize of the high calling of God in Jesus Christ. Colossians: because that was the walk he had received from Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians: because the Lord was on the other side, and the chicken found himself caught up. 2 Thessalonians: because the love of God was there (and he was directed to it) 1 Timothy: because he heard some vain jangling 2 Timothy: he was fleeing youthful lusts Titus: to avoid foolish questions [such as those involving chickens? - ed] Philemon: because his name was Onesimus and his father sent him. Hebrews: to come to God (he believed he would receive a reward). James: to visit the fatherless and widows. 1 Peter: because he was called toward the light. 2 Peter: to be delivered from temptations. 1 John: because he was antichrist, and went out from the people of God. 2 John: to walk after the commandments. 3 John: to walk in the truth. Jude: to leave his first estate. Revelation: to hide in the dens and rocks of the mountains.
1 Nephi: because he was led by the spirit, not knowing beforehand what he should do. 1 Nephi: The journey from the old world to the new. The sea of course symbolises the road. 1 Nephi: It is better for a chicken to cross the road than a nation dwindle in unbelief. 2 Nephi: to fulfil all righteousness. 2 Nephi: A highly chickastic book, where the first half represents one side of the road, and the second half represents the other side. Jacob: to plant his corn in a distant part of the vineyard. Jacob: contains the famous allegory of scratching at tree roots. Enos: to hunt beasts in the forest. Enos: "and my soul hungered" - the simile is obviously with (New World) corn. Jarom: because his stiffnecked people drove him away. Jarom: a lamentation for the stiffneckedness of the people (a comparison to chicken necks of course) Omni: to get to Zarahemla. Omni: why did Mosiah cross the road? To get to Zarahemla. Words of Mormon: for a wise purpose, according to the whisperings of the spirit. Words of Mormon: Mormon "comes across" the small plates. More crossing imagery. Mosiah: to reach the land of Nephi again. Mosiah: the whole book is one series of crossings (between Nephi and Zarahemla) Alma: to join the Lamanites and incite them to war. Alma: "and thus we see" what happens when Nephite apostates (Amlici, Zerahemna, etc.) cross over to the other side. Helaman: to see Nephi praying on his tower by the road. 3 Nephi: to avoid being gathered by the mother hen. 4 Nephi: to separate into two groups of chicken-ites. 4 Nephi: the story of how the Lamanites and Nephites crossed over and met in the middle, but later hey crossed back to their respective sides. Mormon: because he could no longer lead his people. Mormon: Mormon refuses to lead his people: was he chicken? But he later crossed back again. Ether: to arrive at a choice land prepared by the Lord. Ether: Ether mentions honeybees, but does not need to mention chickens - OBVIOUSLY they crossed the ocean as well. Moroni: to meet Moroni at the bar. Moroni: Moroni 10:4 - the great challenge. Will YOU cross over to God's side?
The Doctrine and Covenants: "The duty of a chicken is to cross the road when there is no other poultry present." Doctrine and Covenants 1: to prepare for the Second Coming. D&C 4 (no, I am NOT doing all 138 sections!): because the field across the road was full of corn ready to harvest. D&C 13: to be ordained to the Aaronic priesthood. D&C 18: to declare repentance unto the world. D&C 20: to see the organization of the church. D&C 21: to listen o the prophet. D&C 25: to print a hymnbook. D&C 29: to gather with the elect. D&C 37: to reach Ohio. D&C 42: because it was the law of the church. D&C 45: to stand in a holy place. D&C 46: because that was his gift. D&C 58: because he did not need to be told. D&C 59: to offer up his sacraments. D&C 72: to give an account of his stewardship. D&C 76: to dwell in the presence of God. D&C 77: we are to understand that he was to get to the other side. D&C 84: to receive God’s servants. D&C 88: to warn the people. D&C 89: to avoid the destroying angel. D&C 93: because he was free to do so. D&C 104: to pay his debts. D&C 107: to be with his quorum. D&C 109: to prepare. D&C 110: to see a vision. D&C 116: to visit Adam-Ondi-Ahman. D&C 119: to visit the Bishop’s storehouse. D&C 121: because that was his nature and disposition. D&C 122: the son of man has crossed further than the chicken. Is the chicken greater than he? D&C 123: to bring to light the hidden things. D&C 124: to build the Nauvoo house. D&C 128: because it was a great cause. Shall we not cross? Courage, brethren: and on, on to victory! (D&C 132): For behold, I reveal unto you a new and an everlasting covey; and if ye abide not that covey, then are ye damned; for no one can reject this covey and be permitted to enter into my glory. Go ye, therefore, and cross the road; enter ye into my law and ye shall reach the other side.D&C 133: to get out from Babylon. D&C 135: to seal his testimony with his blood (watch out for that truck on the road!) D&C 136: to travel west. D&C 138: because he was foreordained to do so. Official Declarations: because ti was revealed from God that this must be so. Book of Moses: to go up the mountain. Abraham: to escape from idolatry. Joseph Smith – Matthew: to gather with the elect. Joseph Smith – History: to find out which church to join. Articles of Faith: to find something virtuous, lovely, or of good report, or praiseworthy – the chicken was seeking after these things.
FARMS - the original Hebrew text indicates the key factors in the underlying subtitles of the text in harmony with the nuances revealed through the true meaning in compliance with prophetic utterances during the latter part of the earlier time frame. This combined with other factors already established earlier render Ms. Brodie, that woman, to in essence be the chicken.
Biblical Origins of the Chicken Teaching: According to Strong's lexicon, the Greek word translated "hen" is ornis {or'-nis}, which is probably from a prolonged form of the base of "oro" (to rise or "rear"). "This is a a proverbial phrase, used by rabbinic writing, to remove mountains, i.e. to accomplish the most difficult, stupendous, incredible thing."
The concept of crossing the road clearly comes from Luke 10:32-32 (the good Samaritan): "And by chance there came down a certain priest that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side. And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side."
Clearly, the false teachers (the priest and levite) considered righteousness to be too hard for them - it was too difficult, it was "oro." And so they crossed the road to avoid it. Hence the tradition that "being chicken" means cowardice.
In conclusion, the chicken is the person who holds to apostate beliefs and practices, while considering itself righteous. It crossed the road to avoid facing the hard implications of keeping the faith.
Confirmation That the Chicken Was Apostate: "Apostasia" means "forsaking" or "falling away." To forsake the sidewalk/pavement by stepping down into the road, the chicken is, by definition, apostate. Let us look more closely at the symbolism of the pavement. To quote from Strong's lexicon:
"3038 lithostrotos {lith-os'-tro-tos} Pavement (1) 1) spread (paved with stones); a mosaic or tassellated pavement: so of a place near the praetorium or palace of Jerusalem; an apartment whose pavement consists of tassellated work. The word for "Pavement" is found nowhere else in the NT, but its Hebrew equivalent occurs just once in the OT, and it is evident that the Holy Ghost would have us link the two passages together. In 2 Kings 16:17 we read, "King Ahaz cut off the borders of the bases, and removed the laver from off them; and took down the sea from off the brazen oxen that were under it and put it upon a "pavement" of stones." In Ahaz's case, his act was the conclusive token of his surrender to abject apostasy."
Here's an LDS version I just thought up that wasn't in your list Homestar...
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. Because Joseph Smith was forced across the road after being tarred and feathered by a really lazy mob (that didn't pluck the feathers off the chicken... see?).
Okay... it's kinda sick and wrong...
--Ray
__________________
I'm not slow; I'm special. (Don't take it personally, everyone finds me offensive. Yet somehow I manage to live with myself.)
