Wacky conference predictions

arbilad · Head Chef

Wacky conference predictions

mirkwood · Senior Bucketkeeper

arbilad wrote:
Owning a Glock will be grounds for church discipline. The offender will be asked to purchase either a Smith and Wesson or a Desert Eagle.

Excommunication for teaching false doctrine will become commonplace.

hiccups · Future Queen in Zion

mirkwood wrote:

arbilad wrote:
Owning a Glock will be grounds for church discipline. The offender will be asked to purchase either a Smith and Wesson or a Desert Eagle.

Excommunication for teaching false doctrine will become commonplace.

So will an inability to fill Sunday School teacher callings.

arbilad · Head Chef

The church announces that, due to the devaluation of the currency, they will now only accept tithing in kind. This presents a problem for professions such as law enforcement officer and computer professionals.

hiccups · Future Queen in Zion

oh, I dunno... maybe mirk could pay by guarding the bishop's storehouse once the rioting and looting begins.

arbilad · Head Chef

A GA will give a talk, documented with pictures, about how the church has been meeting with alien visitors.

mirkwood · Senior Bucketkeeper

With Area 51 being announced as the site for the next temple.

Jen · Senior Bucketkeeper

OHOHOH I want to be the matchmaker! That's long been a hobby of mine (though I can only think of one couple I matched that actually got married).

DoubleD · Senior Member

President Monson will outline how to weather the coming depression.
He will ask all of us to repent and to sanctify our lives.

Cocobeem · Keeper of the Holy Grail

The talks will be so subtle, Coco will have a thought akin to, 'Why don't they ever talk about what's GOING ON?'

arbilad · Head Chef

DoubleD wrote:

President Monson will outline how to weather the coming depression.
He will ask all of us to repent and to sanctify our lives.

C'mon, I was asking for wacky predictions, not predictions likely to come true.

Cocobeem · Keeper of the Holy Grail

I tell you what, if Monson uses the word "depression" I will sit up at attention like nobody's business.

arbilad · Head Chef

I'm willing to venture that there will be more than one talk that uses a story from great depression times.

arbilad · Head Chef

Pres. Monson will announce that Bill Clinton was recently baptized and is eagerly working on going to the temple next year. He will have been baptized by Steve Martin.

Cocobeem · Keeper of the Holy Grail

Is venturing like Mormon betting? Cuz I'll take you up on that bet.

LoudmouthMormon · Profuse Pontificator

Not a prediction, just my long-standing hope that comes back every Oct and Apr:

Ability to pay tithing online via credit card.

LM
(Loves those rewards points!)

lundbaek · Profuse Pontificator

We will be asked to pay our tithing immediately upon our being paid or earning money instead of waiting until the end of a week or month when the value of our money will be less.

Jen · Senior Bucketkeeper

Cocobeem wrote:

I tell you what, if Monson uses the word "depression" I will sit up at attention like nobody's business.

So will I, but I gotta say, I don't see that happening.

lundbaek · Profuse Pontificator

Neither do I anticipate any of the Conference speakers telling us a depression is coming. But I do think there will be subtle reminders of past/recent admonitions to prepare for just such conditions. They always try to send us away feeling good.

Even President Benson, when he said in the October 1988 General Conference "I testify that wickedness is rapidly expanding in every segment of our society. (See D&C 1:1416; D&C 84:4953.) It is more highly organized, more cleverly disguised, and more powerfully promoted than ever before. Secret combinations lusting for power, gain, and glory are flourishing. A secret combination that seeks to overthrow the freedom of all lands, nations, and countries is increasing its evil influence and control over America and the entire world." (See Ether 8:1825.)

he raised our hopes with "I testify that the church and kingdom of God is increasing in strength. Its numbers are growing, as is the faithfulness of its faithful members. It has never been better organized or equipped to perform its divine mission." Feel better now ?

In the very next sentence he said "I testify that as the forces of evil increase under Lucifers leadership and as the forces of good increase under the leadership of Jesus Christ, there will be growing battles between the two until the final confrontation. As the issues become clearer and more obvious, all mankind will eventually be required to align themselves either for the kingdom of God or for the kingdom of the devil. As these conflicts rage, either secretly or openly, the righteous will be tested. Gods wrath will soon shake the nations of the earth and will be poured out on the wicked without measure. (See JSH 1:45; D&C 1:9.) But God will provide strength for the righteous and the means of escape; and eventually and finally truth will triumph. "(See 1 Ne. 22:1523.)

Note how he does not (and never did) mix words, and yet leaves off with an upbeat note of hope.

DoubleD · Senior Member

Lundbaek: Those who listened to and heeded the counsel of Pres. Hinckley in 1998 are now prepared to weather the economic storm that will humble the nations enough that many will seek the safety and peace offered and found in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

If there are not references to Pres. Hinckley's 1998 warnings, I will be very surprised.

Cocobeem · Keeper of the Holy Grail

lundbaek wrote:

We will be asked to pay our tithing immediately upon our being paid or earning money instead of waiting until the end of a week or month when the value of our money will be less.

Oh, man. That's not funny. ashamed

Sat.am session... semi-heard because of kiddos on the attack... but Elder Perry's seemed reeeealy good... on simplicity and self-reliance. Two or three speakers brought up SIMPLICITY, I think.

Valhalla · Profuse Pontificator

No mention of the new temples?

Anyone notice that the announcement of the one for the Greater Kansas City area was deliberately vague while others were specific?

For those who do not know, the greater KC area encompasses areas in MO and in KS, and Independence and Jackson County are in the immediate area and the bulk of KC is in Jackson county. I do believe, though, that the temple will be built in the wealthier Johnson county area of Kansas, which is right next to Jackson co. When the St. Louis temple was built, I was told the Lenexa, KS was the original site, but it was placed in St. Louis. I think it will be built there or in Overland Park, KS, all very nice uppity areas.

We have stake conference next weekend and we have been told there is something special/important, of course that is often said, but I am interested to see.