Honor thy (aging) parents

Cocobeem · Keeper of the Holy Grail

Honor thy (aging) parents

hiccups · Future Queen in Zion

Crap. I do not want to talk about this.

dianoia · Senior Member

Coco, three of my grandparents are still alive.

Mom and Dad just entered their sixties, healthy as horses, so I haven't thought about this yet.

Poncho29 · Senior Bucketkeeper

Well, considering both of Cat's parents are passed on and so is my mother and I don't think my Dad or stepmother would even think of asking for my help, I can't help ya much.

However, after Cat's father died his mother needed help so we and Cat's other siblings (as much as they were able to, considering distance etc.) were more than happy to jump in and help.

I think it is a responsibility that should be shared among all siblings or extended family if available.

Too often I have seen it left to one person who bears all or most of the responsibility and it takes its toll.

As to whether they are able to, or should be able to, every situation is different.

Organist · Senior Member

I remember my mom telling me that if she ever gets old and senile, just put her in a home and don't come visit her, because she wouldn't remember anything anyway. I think she has since chanced her mind.

Whether good or bad outcomes happen with the stroke patients I look after, it is always better when there are family members to support the person. These aren't always just single situations that resolve, because most stroke patients live, but require a whole lot of assistance for their new handicaps. These are the situations, service, and living arrangements that really define families.

Cat Herder · Understander of unimportant things

The law of the harvest applies to this aspect of life...

The example you set in how you take care of your elderly parents will indeed be a strong indicator into how your children will (or will not) someday take care of you.

LoudmouthMormon · Profuse Pontificator

Cat Herder wrote:
The example you set in how you take care of your elderly parents will indeed be a strong indicator into how your children will (or will not) someday take care of you.

Good words. Also, I believe you get a little insight into a person's character if you can glean how and why they take care of their aging parents the way they do.

The Golden Rule certainly applies here - but you must look through the eyes of your parents. If you were them, what would you want your kids to do for you?

My wife and I are planning on not being a burden to our kids. The increase in our aging population will mean a boom in assisted-living centers and whatnot. We're also big on DNR's and living wills.

I happened to be born into a family where mom was sick for a long time and died early. I postponed my life in order to care for her until she died when I was in my 20's. I think the experience did me good, and is helping to make me a better husband and father. We thought about nursing homes and whatnot quite often, but I'm glad we didn't go that route.

LM

PollyAnna · Senior Bucketkeeper

We thought about nursing homes and whatnot quite often, but I'm glad we didn't go that route. I just hope my kids are not already shopping for mine...

I have been sick with Lupus for 1/2 of my life... soon my sick years will overpower my well years. Son2 (17 yo) does not know me "well"... heck, none of my kids know me "well"...

I was the child (7th of 8 siblings) that help daddy and momma stay in their own home as long as possible. We moved here to AZ to be close to them, and lived just down the road... After they gave up the house (mostely because i could not longer keep up with 2 houses, even with a maid for moms) they lived with other siblings, as circumstanses allowed. Older Sis took care of all their needs, the last 3 year for dad that he was bedridden... the last 8 months for mom too... (with the help of home care nurses and siblings that provided respite care... and support...)

We (all 8 children) helped however we could... some helped financially, all helped emotionally and many helped physically those last 3-5 years when they had sooooo many needs. In my mind it was the greatest blessing and yet the most difficult challenge that we children have shared. I wouldn't trade even ONE moment of that time with mom and dad... I grew to understand how much my Heavenly Father loves us, so unconditionally... and how much my own parents love me, and how truly humble and teachable they were... I witnessed greatness in my siblings but especially I witnessed perfection in my parent's devotion to one another... 95/90 yo and 71 years of marriage... they are my inspiration...

rayb · Hot Air Balloon

I think a lot about this topic. I don't think the time is right, yet. My mom's convinced my sister will take care of her in her old age... something in my sister's patriarchal blessing... anyhow... I feel a responsibility, but then sometimes I think the best thing I can do right now is stay out of their hair and raise the family without all the inside baggage that comes with having spent so much time together in the formative years...

--Ray

Jen · Senior Bucketkeeper

I think this varies by situation and should be handled by the guidance of the Spirit.

Roper · Senior Bucketkeeper

I plan to do everything I can to help my parents stay independent for as long as possible. That's what they want, too. When the time comes that one or both need to go into a home, they'll come and live with us. We're already figuring out how to turn our detached garage into a small apartment. I figure that they pretty much supported me for the first twenty years of my life. I can certainly repay them in part during their last years.

alabamabelle · Senior Member

I had, along with my siblings, the privilege of caring for my mother a lot in her declining years.

it was never a burden. there were days that exhaustion was a factor since I have my son to care for as well, but they were so convivial in enjoying each OTHER's company that it made the day brighter for them both.

her radiant spiritual joy of the gospel NEVER left her and it made being there to help a blessing for my family.

I guess that I figured after all my parents have done for me that to run from helping them when the time came was most ungrateful. thankfully, i also have medical training and could take care of meds and IV's at home.

But everyone doesn't have that set of options available to them. and I sympathize with the agony of trying to find a facility that will best suit the needs within whatever financial constraints apply.

either way isn't easy. you have to pray a lot and follow what the Spirit directs you to do the best way you can. that's all any of us can do.

nitasmile · Senior Member

This is an essay I've shared previously, it is by Dr. Leap and says a lot about how we should treat thelderly:

http://dfsweb.state.wy.us/protectivesvc/programs/aps/goldenrule.htm

For me, I do feel I'd be the sibling most likely to help- I want to help, through my job, I've witnessed many examples of children who do provide great care for their aging parents. Also I've seen some bad examples.

For now, I am hoping to best influence my parents (mom in late 50s and dad in mid 60s) by helping to encourage a healthier lifestyle and thus hopefully prevent some problems that could otherwise occur. So far they haven't really listened. One year I gave my mom a pedometer for Christmas, she was excited to get it but never really used it. I've also tried to encourage them to be safer about environmental hazards, but again no listening. (ie they have throw rugs scattered here and there and other things that could make them trip and result in serious injury.) For example, my mom will wear her pantyhose walking on their hardwood floors, to me this is a fall risk. So I've told her I will be mad at her if she falls and gets hurt while wearing those hose.

-- Edited by nitasmile at 21:47, 2007-12-17

Cocobeem · Keeper of the Holy Grail

I have enjoyed all the comments. I'm in a bit of a different situation because I have little ones and my parents (who had me in their 40s) are in their 80s. I don't think most people face this until their kids are at least in school. It's a challenge, (in the exhausting sense) but I hope I can rise to it.

alabamabelle · Senior Member

The Lord will bless you in ways unexpected to care for your family as you are needed.

All that we do for our family is truly recognized and means so much more than words will ever fully convey, both for those whom we care and, ultimately, to ourself.

hiccups · Future Queen in Zion

So, this thread gave me bad dreams last night.

Valhalla · Profuse Pontificator

I just told my dad when he was giving me grief one time, that it's his choice, the awful nursing home you see on news or one of the nice ones.

Cat Herder · Understander of unimportant things

hiccups wrote:

So, this thread gave me bad dreams last night.

Why?

alabamabelle · Senior Member

Hiccups, I'm sorry you had bad dreams last night!

This CAN be and often IS a very scary topic to entertain or live through.

May the Spirit offer you consolation and ease your fears.

PollyAnna · Senior Bucketkeeper

I was sharing this thread with my kids through the day, mentioning my hopes that they never get stuck taking care of me... They all tell me know that I am NOT to worry...

... so now they are kind of arguing over who will "get stuck" with me... Only they are being nicer about it and calling it "blessed to have me with them"...

Daughter promises to marry well enough that I could become accustom to a lifestyle I have never known...

My sons both claim to be planning to "build me cottage," whatever THAT is... I envision a "habitat". rolleyes

I am not sure what's worse...?

Being under-cared for or OVER-cared for...

Cocobeem · Keeper of the Holy Grail

You know, I'm tempted to just offer to "add on" my own wing to one of my kids' houses - then when I'm gone, they got something out of the deal.

rayb · Hot Air Balloon

not a bad solution if you can manage the costs.