I posted a talk that we discussed in Sunday School about Forgiveness in the LDS Quotes thread. Roper replied with this thoughtful response. I'd like to place it in its own thread.
Thank you, Ray.
For years, I have harbored resentment toward someone whom I believed wronged me. I am finally ready to take the first steps on that long road of forgiveness. Not because the person has earned my forgiveness or even needs it. I need it. I need to become a more forgiving person.
I am fairly confident this person harbors similar resentment toward me.
And so I offered what I thought was an olive branch--a conciliatory gesture. I offered to meet for lunch or dinner this past week to discuss an issue of common interest and concern.
No response.
Where do I go from here?
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I'm not slow; I'm special. (Don't take it personally, everyone finds me offensive. Yet somehow I manage to live with myself.)
I agree with Mahonri's sentiment about making the first move. I think it's natural that if there's hurt feelings on both sides that you won't necessarily be able to replace their hurting with trust and love, and it really depends upon whom we've offended.
I've met people who's great challenge in life was their sour disposition. I remember a quote from CS Lewis in his book Mere Christianity, in which he observes that just because someone is by nature of a sour disposition it does not give us justification to believe that we're better than them, or that we are justified in being hurt by them.
Some people's very temperments may be the great struggle of their life, while others struggle with morality, or pride, or addictions of various sorts. We wouldn't expect a man born without legs to run a marathon, but sometimes I think we expect people to treat us like we're the cat's meow, just because it's the Christian thing to do.
I think that's why true Christian love also includes things like temperance, tolerance, and longsuffering. So I'm with Mahonri, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. :) And next time, be quicker to apologize and make it right when the offense occurs, rather than letting it rest. Resist the urge to think the worst of others, and try your best to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
Sounds easy, don't it? (har har har)
--Ray
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I'm not slow; I'm special. (Don't take it personally, everyone finds me offensive. Yet somehow I manage to live with myself.)
Another hurdle I experience is putting others ahead of myself. I suppose it's human nature to always look out for number1, this perpetual need for self-preservation. This need for nourishing our self-esteem which we think is so critical. The more I study it, the more I'm inclined to equate self-esteem with pride. But that's a whole 'nother subject...
I've been studying this topic the last two weeks and I think there is a crucial key here... I feel I'm almost on the edge of a neato discovery...
Matthew 16:25 "For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it."
and the same idea from John- John 12:25 "He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal."
Great topic and lots of food for thought.
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Life is tough but it's tougher if you're stupid. -John Wayne
One thing about forgiveness - it's an internal state that sometimes finds itself reflected in our outward actions. It may or it may not carry with it something that will impact the other person's behavior. It may or it may not fix things. It may strengthen relationships, or be used as the latest excuse to weaken an already strained relationship.
Oddly, you can replace the word "forgiveness" with "repentence", and it's just as true.
LM
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And I'd discuss the holy books with the learned men, seven hours every day. That would be the sweetest thing of all.
I shared a thread at another forum that I later deleted because nobody responded. It was rather wordy so I will try to be more brief. What Ray said about not holdings someone's temperment against them is something that I am pretty good at if someone is clearly in a way that effects human relations. I can brush off a lot of behavior if I can realize some explanation for it. In other words, I can let go if I know the shortcoming. I was thinking about this the other day and relealized that hurting me is always a shortcoming even if the person is educated with an even temperment. Maybe they don't have a label or something obvious to excuse them, but obviously they have not mastered this part of themselves yet. Whether intentional or oblivious to what they were doing, they are human and allowed to make mistakes. That doesn't mean that I am not capable of being hurt. A reminder that we are all learning is helpful to me.
If the other person is not willing to meet with you, maybe they are the type that does not like to dwell on such things. Some people don't believe in saying that they are sorry as well. They may be very uncomfortable sharing difficult feelings with you. The fact that you offered is the important thing. I hope that you can be free of this burden. I heard something recently that said that anger(or bitterness) is living in the past. That helps me put things into perspective.
I still have my issues, but I am glad that I do not at the moment feel any strong negative feelings towards anybody.
From where I'm standing, forgiveness is first and foremost an internal process, that really has nothing to do with the person who has given the offense. It is the active choice (or, the eventual ability gained after a monumental struggle) to cast off the awful burdens of grudges and ill will. It cleanses the person who extends it.
Now, it will often bless the lives of those standing around the person who forgives (including the person being forgiven). But I'm thinking that is more of a side-effect than a primary aspect of forgiveness. I'm not calling saved marriages and rescued friendships 'side effects' to belittle them, or because I fail to recognize how great a thing they are. I call them 'side effects' because of this scripture:
"ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin."
In other words, the Lord views destroying a friendship as a lesser sin than refusing to forgive the person who destroyed it.
Also from where I'm standing, repentance is also primarily an internal process of cleansing yourself from sin. The repentance process will include restitution to the harmed party, but only when such a thing is possible. Some things just can't be fixed in this life, and repentance is not denied the faithful seeker if s/he fails to obtain forgiveness.
I guess my overall take on things is, "Yes, making a first gesture is important, but repentence doesn't require that it work."
Does any of this make any sense?
-- Edited by LoudmouthMormon at 15:43, 2007-11-26
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And I'd discuss the holy books with the learned men, seven hours every day. That would be the sweetest thing of all.
I know it's something of a tangent but for the longest time I really have struggled with how to repent if I cannot make restitution in some way (either by the offended's forgiveness, or by some outward gesture)... we are always taught that repentance entails some form of recompense, but it's easy to feel that there's no hope of forgiveness from others, when there's no acknowledgement of the offering... and in that respect, one's ability to repent feels damned.
I recently received a priesthood blessing in which I was told specifically that my repentance had been sufficient--despite the rejection of it from another... I really feel like had I not had that revelation in my life, it would've continued to haunt me for ever and ever... seeing as how I have no authority to remit sins, repentance requires an external revelation...
I think that's a factor in Pres. Kimball's book about the Miracle of Forgiveness.
--Ray
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I'm not slow; I'm special. (Don't take it personally, everyone finds me offensive. Yet somehow I manage to live with myself.)
