I do have some close friends. That does not mean that I think they will validate me whenever I feel that I need it. And they may have issues that may not allow them to be there for me in ways that I would like. They may not always be there when I have a problem. And I may not always confide my problems to them as it is always hard to know what to share and what to just ride out until it passes. And I am limited in what I can give friends as well. Even with my local friends, I have trouble seeing them in person and I know my one friend could really use more face to face socialization. I even fall short in calling her or emailing her sometimes.
With all our shortcomings, I am grateful for mutual friends. I am also grateful for whatever level of friendship that someone can give. A smile and a friendly face go a long way. Someone laughing at something that I say makes me feel good. I try to feel people out and to respect their boundaries. And I have some really shy friends with social phobias and another with perfectionism who both limit exchanging emails because of those problems. And because I know that about them, I accept that. I do not expect them to do more than they feel they are able to at the time. When I hear from either of them, it makes me feel so good because I know that they are taking a risk.
I realized a few years ago that it is a blessing to be able to be emotionally available to people. I have my limits as a human. However, I think that it is something that I am good at where someone else might be really good at rendering another type of service.
I do not feel lonely very often. I am so grateful for that. And I really like message boards as I can share thoughts, feelings, and poetry. I like discussions a lot. I don't do as well in chat rooms or chat boxes. Maybe it is because I am kind of shy in some ways still and very shy in other ways. But I have enjoyed chatting with my friends here. I do much better on message boards though as I can express my thoughts more and have time to think out responses. Sometimes I don't think too much before jumping in there though.
I am straying from the purpose of this thread. In short, I am grateful for acquintances, friends, moderately close friends, very close friends, and everything in between. And I know you are not suppose to introduce something new in a conclusion, but I will break that rule. I have had a couple people reject me or at least it felt like that. I don't think any of you know them as they are not on forums that I know of. And it hurt a lot and made me question myself a lot. And yet in their rejecting me, it makes me so grateful for those in my ward, in my family, in my Stake, and those online who make me feel like I am of worth and that I have something worth saying and that I am worth getting to know. Be assured that I do not have major self-esteem areas in that area. I like myself. And I have friends that I believe really like me!
I said something in Roper's thread about not believing in unconditional love that I want to explain. Even in the closest of friends where you have mutual respect, I think there may be things that another person has done or may do that you may not accept. You may tolerate that and look beyond that. However, you may not love that part of the person. You may recognize and love other good qualities about the person. I also think that there are good people who may give up a friendship if they find out something that is more than they can handle. It does not make the person bad who gave up the friendship when something was disclosed that was bigger than their capacity at the time. Maybe someday they will be more able to tolerate that. Also, people can vary in ablity to have empathy. I know people who love me do not always have empathy for my personal struggles. They may call me a baby for instance if I do not feel up to going somewhere and tell me to act my age. And yet, this person may demonstrate love and show that they value me in other ways.
I think people have limits. I read about 12 step programs and how you share there and then go about the week. Well, I know that they have sponsors too for when the need arises. The point was that you need to have boundaries and not dwell on the negative all the time nor expect our friends to take all of our bad stuff all the time.
I like joking and having fun or talking abstractly. I don't feel a need to share my problems all the time. And I often have very good times.
I read in a self-help book that two healthy people always have enough for each other. I am not sure if that is true or not, but I like the idea. If I expect more from a person than they can give, than either I am unhealthy in wanting too much or they are not healthy enough to give me what I need. Either way, it helps me to realize that there are limits.
I think people have limits. I read about 12 step programs and how you share there and then go about the week. Well, I know that they have sponsors too for when the need arises. The point was that you need to have boundaries and not dwell on the negative all the time nor expect our friends to take all of our bad stuff all the time.
I like joking and having fun or talking abstractly. I don't feel a need to share my problems all the time. And I often have very good times.
As one who frequents 12 step meetings, I wanted to clarify this a bit. It would seem like you are saying that people go to 12 step meetings once a week to share problems and then go about their lives. That has not been my experience. Yes, there are problems shared at meetings, but the primary function of sharing is not talking about the problems as much as the solutions. The 12 steps are steps of action and they require a lot of work between meetings. Sponsors are handy in times of crisis, but their primary function is to guide those they sponsor through the steps. Applying the steps to my own life is what allows me to make change and stay in recovery from active addiction. (Oh, and I go to meetings 3 times a week to keep on track.)
I realize this has very little to do with your actual point, but it was very relevant to me. Anyway, back to the regularly scheduled topic.
-- Edited by hiccups at 11:47, 2007-09-03
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"The promptings of the Holy Ghost will always be sufficient for our needs if we keep to the covenant path. Our path is uphill most days, but the help we receive for the climb is literally divine." --Elaine S. Dalton
Hiccups, thank you for letting me know. I have friends that have gained a lot from 12 step programs. I have never been to one though. It is great to focus on solutions.
I feel like some things in my life are not as much in my control and do not really seek people to encourage me to seek solutions there. Yet, I might like a listening ear once in a while. But I mainly prefer not to focus on those things that I feel are more in my control and build my friendship around that.
Charity is the pure love of Christ. While I am not sure if any human who is a mortal know has reached this state of pure love in a constant and all-encompassing level, I do believe that we are able to enlarge our capacity. As we serve others, we often feel love for them. God does touch our hearts at times to feel very tender towards others. And when I said that you may not accept everything about a person, I want to make it clear that I feel that you can still love them. This is kind of hard to explain. It is like saying that I may do something wrong and you may judge me and think that was bad what I did and think less of me for it. Yet, you may still love me. Maybe I need to make a distinction with judging because as I stated it was something that I really did so I was guilty. You may not know my whole heart or the internal struggle or the ambiguity involved in the mistake. You may be mad at me for my mistake. Yet, you make stay love me and see good in me elsewhere.
We all need love. And while human love is imperfect, it is very sweet. And people have done many selfless things for love.
Yet, we have human weaknesses and sometimes we don't feel so loving. And it is not true that any of us would do anything for our best of best friends. We may in our hearts want to do it, but we are all human and may not always be there in the capacity that our friends want us to be.
Hey wait a minute, Ray likes everybody. Well, I still think I am lucky because I could be the one person that he doesn't like. I appreciate being in the "wide net" that he casts.
Ray, I thought that your home would be the cool home that missionaries would love to visit. I am glad that many others have the blessing as well.
I have it from a reliable source that Ray doesn't like Micheal Jackson or Paris Hilton or Catbert or Earnest Hemingway or Mr. Slate or Nero or The Borg Queen.
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It seems to me the only thing you've learned is that Caesar is a "salad dressing dude."
I love Phil. My favorite time was when he was at Dilberts house and when he was ready to leave he was looking for the portal back to heck. In the next frame it shows him stepping into a television. I never laughed so hard in my life.
For the longest time i wanted to name my first son Philip, so I could call him Phil...
My reasoning besides the apostle, and having a friend with that name, was that you just don't meet a lot of real jerks in the world with the name Phil. :)
--Ray
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I'm not slow; I'm special. (Don't take it personally, everyone finds me offensive. Yet somehow I manage to live with myself.)
In my family if we want a little attention, we say, "Nobody likes me or nobody loves me." Then, somebody will usually say, "I like you" or "I love you." It's not something that we overdo or anything. Sometimes you just need a little demonstrative words and I am not too shameless to fish for it.
We have to be careful with our oldest. He has a real knack for turning little things into crises. If somebody doesn't want to do things his way, no only does nobody like him, but everybody hates him. I try to point out that isn't true without feeding his drama.
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"The promptings of the Holy Ghost will always be sufficient for our needs if we keep to the covenant path. Our path is uphill most days, but the help we receive for the climb is literally divine." --Elaine S. Dalton
