I thought that we could discuss the things we are writing together. Hatrack forum has an area where you can discuss the first 13 lines (the amount that fits on the first double spaced page after the obligatory header) and see if it would keep the first reader at the publisher reading or whether it would go in the reject bin. I further suggest that we keep each person's 13 lines to its own thread, or else the commentary on the lines would get too confusing. So, here's my thirteen lines. I really want to know if it would keep you reading the story, or whether it's too awkward. Be brutal. I would rather have my ego bruised than to miss getting this published because the opening wasn't right. I'm still a few months away from finishing, but my brother and I are well into the writing of it. This is a science fiction novel.
Fred White looked up at the sky. Clouds floated past without dispensing precious rain. Trevor, the agronomist, had said it would still be a few years before the weather settled down to something like Earth normal. The thick atmosphere of the planet Phlox had proven very resistant to the exploration probes terraforming efforts. His radio beeped. The voice of his eight year old son, Bob, brought him out of his reverie. Dad, you better get back here. The satellites are talking about a Ship Proximity Alert, and our ship isnt due back for a long time! A smile crept across his face. Bob, was still very excitable. He was a true Phloxian, born and raised here. Fred still considered himself an Arizonan, but he had left that planet more or less permanently to seek opportunity here.
__________________
If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude than the animated contest of freedom, go from us in peace. May your chains sit lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen! - Samuel Adams
I'd read more. Sounds like a Halo novel right before the Covenant attack. Of course, the use of "Agronomist" is pretty clunky in a planet colonization story. Agronomists sound like geeky guys in lab coats with glasses even though most aren't. That's just how the public percieves it. Now all you need is some space marines. Go Wildcards!!!
I would keep reading. It takes a lot for a page or two to make me stop reading. What makes a good book for me is when I invest the time reading it and it delivers on the things it suggests to me up front.
So here are some of my initial notes, and you can see if the rest of your novel matches up.
*So, we're doing the colonization thing outward from Earth. Yay for a planet named Arizona! I assume Trevor is originally from a different planet than Fred.
*I would like there to be a reason for the naming. Fred and Bob seem kinda old fashioned, and White is a little bland. But if there were a good reason, I'd be sold. (Trevor doesn't fit that conception, which is why I would assume he's from somewhere else.)
*I get hung up on the grammatical errors, but we'll assume those get ironed out in editing and before you actually submitted for publication.
*I'm not sure whether to pronounce Phlox with a hard 'p' sound or an 'f' sound. It bugs me.
*I will want explanations for why Phloxians would be excitable and why Fred is not concerned about the alert pretty quickly after this.
*I'm a little confused why Bob's concern is due to 'their ship' not being due back yet. When I read 'our ship' I think 'the ship we're on.' In a space exploration scenario, a ship is either like an airplane (where it's just transportation and yours is yours only while you're on it) or like a car (where it's yours, you use it exclusively). If it's like a car...where did it go with neither Fred or Bob on it? If mom took it somewhere, say "Mom isn't due back..." If it's something else...'our ship' doesn't make sense to me. If you explain it later, I'll be cool with it, but it just confuses me initially.
*What kind of radio are we talking about? Like a walkie talkie? It seems a little old fashioned a tool for space colonists. Which leads me to think one of two things: either they're poor colonists who could barely afford a ship and supplies to get to a new planet, so most of their stuff is junk; or we're dealing with a novel where high-tech and anachronistic stuff are just expected to exist side by side (like microwaves and 8-tracks...kind of an alternate technological development history).
*The word 'opportunity' makes me think that Fred's not a typical settler colonist...that he has skills for jobs where he moves from planet to planet. Which means the poor colonist idea isn't true.
*I want Bob to be vindicated. I want a reason why the alert is of some interest or concern. Just because Fred brushes it off in his head.
*I would guess this book to be about...some difficult task involving possibly people from Fred's past with a man vs. nature background.
Ummm...so that's initial thoughts. Take it or leave it.
I thought the guy was from Arizona, the state. I'm not really into sci-fi reading that much, so I'm not the one to ask, I suppose. And I think Fred and Bob are just ... I dunno, weird names. Aren't names important? They don't sound like futuristic names to me. I like names that are a little off the wall when I read books or nicknames! That's fun!
"One-eyed White looked up at the sky... with his one good eye..." Okay, maybe not. I don't know, some name where you're wondering how he got it and then you find out later in the story...
Again, take everything I say with a grain of salt.
And I have no idea what terraforming means.
And Euph- microwaves and 8-tracks exist side-by-side in my world.
__________________
Life is tough but it's tougher if you're stupid. -John Wayne
It has my attention! I like the gradual discovery of being on a different planet. I enjoy the vivid imagery as well. It is also revealing some about the characters.
eh... I read sci-fi, but it didn't reach out and grab me... Jason's response was more intrigueing, sorry to say. The writing style here seems kind of artificial, kind of like canned laughter. Seems to be too passive / past tense as well. Needs work. Not enough is provided for me to make much of a critique beyond that.
__________________
It seems to me the only thing you've learned is that Caesar is a "salad dressing dude."
Thanks for the feedback everyone. I may post a revised version soon and then just get back to writing the darn thing. 80,000 words is a lot, but we probably need about another 25000 to finish it. And Cat, I appreciate your feedback too. Now it's your turn to post the first thirteen lines of something that you're writing
__________________
If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude than the animated contest of freedom, go from us in peace. May your chains sit lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen! - Samuel Adams
I'll have to think about it arbi... I'm not writing anything currently. I've been pondering how to compose my first Scoutmaster Minute newsletter to parents and boys since Scout Camp... You sure you guys want to see the first 13 lines of that?
__________________
It seems to me the only thing you've learned is that Caesar is a "salad dressing dude."
These are "first" 13 lines right? Well, I'm not into science fiction too much either, but I kind of agree with Coco and Euphrasie there's something about a few of the names that don't reach out and grab me. They're kind of boring. How many people have eight year old son's named Bob? But, if I were to read it, it takes a few more lines beyond the first 13 before I decide whether to continue or not. I think that's the hardest part some times when writing something...trying to come up with a good attention-getting introduction or beginning. Good luck with that Arbi. Maybe I can convince Cat to share some past things he's written for you.
Take it or leave it.
I'm not really into sci-fi reading that much, so I'm not the one to ask, I suppose. And I think Fred and Bob are just ... I dunno, weird names. Aren't names important? They don't sound like futuristic names to me. I like names that are a little off the wall when I read books or nicknames! That's fun! 
