Did your mommy nag you into doing the right thing, and now you doubt your faith because she was a big meanie? Are you scarred from being coerced into doing your hometeaching by an EQ Pres. who is really really persistent? Do the missionaries keep coming over to visit you and bug you about how you haven't given them any names about your neighbors? Did your daddy tell you that you were a slouch and need to get off your duff and work a real job and stop dreaming about being a "wizard" in fantasy land? Did your friends try to force you to go on a diet?
How much coercion do you need in your life to do the things you know you should? And how do you teach children to do the right things, the things they should when we live in an age of indulgence and ingratitude?
WHat if you have a child that simply doesn't want to do anything, and no matter what punishment you can create, she simply doesn't care... she'll just as happily go without as with?
Sure they know what you want them to do, but how do they know it's what God wants them to do--and even if they do know it's God's will, then what? WHy don't they do it? How do you help establish good habits and create decent expectations on kids, when can't coerce, you try loving and they just stare at you blankly. How do you train your children to do the right things on their own, without constant carping? And if you respect the pace at which they choose to learn it, when it's an emergency and you need them to do it fast, what do you do?
--Ray
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I'm not slow; I'm special. (Don't take it personally, everyone finds me offensive. Yet somehow I manage to live with myself.)
My dad is hardcore Mormon. As a man of around 35 he said he would dedicate 10 years to finding the Truth. It took him three. Growing up, we took the Church seriously. It was the ONLY reason we live in this existence. You don't snicker during the prayers. If you're breathing, you attend Church. You are honest. There is one faith, one Lord and one baptism... not some nebulous "all roads lead to heaven" concept. He tried to live honestly and obey the commandments with exactness.
So, yeah. If we got out of line, it was not good. Expectations were clear and we lived by them. There was a period of rebellion during college, but all in all, I think it worked for me. Who knows? Children turn out differently within the very same families - Lehi's, for example. You can always look back and think, "Was I too hard? Was I too easy?" If a child goes astray, you can always think of something different you could have tried. I guess I like the more strict ways in some things - we go to Church, we try to go the extra mile in front of the kids (Yes, we're picking up ALL the chairs that nobody wants to pick up) and we are honest with each other. We communicate in a straightforward manner and do not hide things.
As for the carping constantly, I don't think that's so bad... if you don't feel like it's carping yourself... you're just teaching or reminding them. You're not worked up, so they don't get so worked up. "This is what we do," is sometimes all it takes. If we show our kids we can be happy and satisfied with small things - an afternoon playing together not spending any money on outside "entertainment" - we show them this is the way to live! It's not all that glittery crap from ToysRUs that make people happy.
And definitely follow through with all threats. If you don't, they will not take you seriously and they need a rock to lean on while they learn how the world works. There must be some thing you can deny her or some form of slave labor you can implement for consequences.
Now, please! Will others give some answers so I don't feel like a blabbering dope!
-- Edited by Cocobeem at 10:21, 2007-08-14
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Life is tough but it's tougher if you're stupid. -John Wayne
[ snipping off the lead paragraph... cuz well... don't want it to sound like I need to blame others for my struggles ]
I think one of the greatest challenges i've faced growing up is "wanting" to do what is right, rather than needing to be coerced by someone--or guilted into it. And even when I do it, I often find myself lacking confidence in myself, because I think, "Well, you're just being the good momma's boy."
Were it not for some very specific miraculous interventions on the part of God in my life, I don't believe I would be anywhere near the church today. I know that God lives, that Christ is his Only Begotten Son, and that it is true, in spite of my parents who said all along it was so. I still struggle greatly with selfishness. I often find myself wanting to check out. The problems others find in their faith tax me greatly. I have a good friend right now whose wife is on the brink of a mental collapse and I find myself wishing I could just not be around... because I have no idea how to console my friend. I find myself wishing I could check out, rather than continue caring for this lovely family that is struggling. Loving hurts a lot... and well, where's the pat on the back from mommy for doing the right thing?
Anyhow... just thought I'd share some rather deep do-do since Coco was so up front. Love ya... I do struggle with how to teach my children the joys of living the Gospel without being the helicopter parent, or the manipulative parent, or the parent who says one thing but does another... and often I just wish I could disappear, and become a legend of all the ideals of the Gospel, so that they wouldn't pick up all my flaws...
--Ray
-- Edited by rayb at 14:27, 2007-08-14
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I'm not slow; I'm special. (Don't take it personally, everyone finds me offensive. Yet somehow I manage to live with myself.)
Even Father in heaven lost a third of his children before they even got to earth. And he's perfect! So I think there are other factors besides parenting, and we have to remember that sometimes. Otherwise, patience, diligence, long suffering, etc.
In other words, before one can develop the desire to do anything, one has to understand why it is important. And before that, one has to be teachable enough to listen why it is important.
I would rephrase the question as "Do you do something because you want to or because you feel you have to?"
Do you let yourself be teachable on your own, or do you wait until external factors pull the rug out from under you?
On the flip side, do you expect immediate perfection in others (including family members and children), picking up the slack if they don't do their "fair share", or do you give them the chance to fall flat on their face in a safe environment so they can learn and grow?
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It seems to me the only thing you've learned is that Caesar is a "salad dressing dude."
I think setting high expectations and teaching about the atonement. If each child knows there are certain expectations and behavior that we live in this family, then they will know what is expected of them. If you tell a child that getting Cs on the report card is alright then don't be surprised when there are some D's on it. If you tell them the goal is all As and Bs then when you see the occassional C you can talk about it, provide help, ect but still maintain the higher standard. I think the worst thing you can do for a child is have no expectations for standards and behavior because they will be sure to live up to them.
