What would you do if your teenager asked to have a party?

Poncho29 · Senior Bucketkeeper

What would you do if your teenager asked to have a party?

Cat Herder · Understander of unimportant things

Thank you Poncho... not... as usual, I'm the last to find out what is going on at home...

Roper · Senior Bucketkeeper

F. Ask my teen to make a detailed plan, discuss it in family council, make a few adjustments that I can live with as a parent, and then help them implement the plan. Heck, I'll even make dinner for everyone.

I'd much rather have the party at my house than have them going to another house that likely doesn't have the same standards.

Cocobeem · Keeper of the Holy Grail

A. No biggie. But if they're doing pedicures, I get one!

Euphrasie · Senior Bucketkeeper

It probably goes without saying, but make sure they know the sleepover is girls only. And you probably want to define "few." Ah heck...go with Roper's suggestion.

Cocobeem · Keeper of the Holy Grail

Make a detailed plan? Hello!! Anyone had a sleepover lately? There are no detailed plans, people. You go with the flow! What fun could it possibly be if everything is totally planned out? Sheesh.

Roper · Senior Bucketkeeper

Not everything is planned out. I would just want my teen to think through it a bit. The plan is mainly so that the teen will have ownership of the idea (and responsibility for it instead of asking others to make it fly right at the last moment) and so that the teen understands the expectations of other family members. That way, things are less likely to get out of control, and if they do, the teen can't say, "But I didn't know...it wasn't my fault."

mirkwood · Senior Bucketkeeper

Let the party happen. Stay up all night (I do anyway) cleaning my guns and watching military shows on the history channel in the same room...

Cocobeem · Keeper of the Holy Grail

Is this boys or girls? Do boys even have sleepovers at that age?

Cat Herder · Understander of unimportant things

Hello, Mcfly!

If it had been boys, I think I as Scoutmaster would have heard about it...

bokbadok · Senior Bucketkeeper

We've had a general no sleepover policy with our kids for the last several years. We are beginning to loosen it a little for the teenagers, on a case by case basis. I think it depends on the child and who will be attending the sleepover, and how close the adult supervision will be.

Ros · Senior Member

We don't do sleepovers. The closest you get is a late-night at our house.

So, with that adjustment, i would let her have it - with supervison. I know what i did at those parties. If I could ensure that kids now would stick to my antics, I could live with it. It's the inflation of depravity that worries me. What I did was questionable then but would be nothing now. What they do now ruins lives...

But parties are fun!!

rayb · Hot Air Balloon

My kids aren't teens yet and they've had and gone to sleepovers... is this bad?

--Ray

arbilad · Head Chef

Of the original list, I would have to go with C. But I like Roper's F suggestion better.

PollyAnna · Senior Bucketkeeper

Our house has been the teen-scene watering hole (and snacking/eating establishment

) for many years. We have "parties" too often to count, though they have rarely been "sleepovers".

Generally these "parties" are called "game night", "movie night" or "bring your favorite snack and pig-out night"... for some reason labeling an event as a "party" is death for said event in this area... So they "hang out" here... but its LOUD, silly, crazy, fun and wonderful... Hubby and I are usually invited to party with them, but we choose to view things from the comfort of our ear protected "other rooms"...

I would rather have kids here than in places where there is no safety or supervision... Currently Daughter is planning a YSA game night here... It won't be an official ward event, but EVERYONE including YSA Ward Graduates (the now young marrieds among their friends) are invited, so it could get a little crowded... Our house is not huge, but we seem to fit a lot of people in here.

I am awake in the middle of the night because of pain... I really dislike pain...

Guess I will go back to my book... (before my jealousy of everyone else sleeping gets the better of me...)

Just in case anyone is interested... Son1's new "friend-that-is-a-girl" has been upgraded to "girlfriend". Or in other words, they are an "item"... But don't tell him I told you...

Poncho29 · Senior Bucketkeeper

Roper wrote:

F. Ask my teen to make a detailed plan, discuss it in family council, make a few adjustments that I can live with as a parent, and then help them implement the plan. Heck, I'll even make dinner for everyone.

I'd much rather have the party at my house than have them going to another house that likely doesn't have the same standards.

I thought of F, but forgot to list it. Thanks Roper. However, in the case with our daughter going to an inappropriate party, that idea would never even enter her mind.
Now if it were our 10 year old... she tries to push the boundaries sometimes.

Oh, and BTW this is definitely a girl only party. So far, only 3 friends appear to be coming.
That's a nice small number I can live with. For one thing, our daughter knows that space is limited in our house.

salesortonscom · Wise and Revered Master

My friends used to have LDS parties for teens. We had both boys and girls. The parties had responsible adults present. All the folks there were LDS. The key was how organized and planned everything was. The games were chosen in advance and the mom kept things on track. Usually there was food such as pizza and several games. Sometimes there was a bonfire with ghost stories. We played operator, murder, and some other cool group games. They were pretty good at inviting the folks they knew could follow the rules. We did sleep overs too but not with boys and girls like you see people do in the world. I would be more hesitant about sleep overs today than my parents would. I would only have kids that I knew really, really well and those with whom I knew the parents really, really well. It would also be heavilly supervised. If my girls were in YWs or YMs today there are a few of the youth I would not be comfortable having participate in a sleepover nor would I want them at their homes. It's not a snobbish thing it's that I don't want their problems becoming my child's problems.

Cat Herder · Understander of unimportant things

Our ward youth used to have co-ed parties at kids houses. Of course, the parents were always at home, and unless it was cold, we held our get togethers in the backyards.

Unfortunately, I have a couple of experiences that still make me blush with a certain naive embarrasment...

One was "my" party where one kid decided to try and turn it into a pairing off party. It made everyone a little uncomfortable and everyone eventually overinfluenced his influence. But, I (Prude King) got the reputation of throwing wild BYOB (Bring Your Own Blanket) parties since my parents had laid several blankets out on the lawn for us to have a place to sit on...

Then there was another party where I had been sick with some sort of bug the day leading up to it. It was held at the house of one of the former members of the stake presidency (whose daughter I was kind of going out with informally... Poncho still teases me about her, but I remind her that she may have ended up Mrs. Cat had she not been leaving on a mission right after I got off mine and Poncho's timing was impeccable...

). At one point, I got up from the backyard and moved to the front porch to get some fresh air and ended up puking in their bushes. Either one or both parents discovered me right after I had finished and asked if I was okay. I said yeah, I wasn't feeling very good, but felt a lot better now. It wasn't until a couple years later that I wondered if they thought I was fibbin'... that same guy who messed up my party had been there (and with the knowledge of him and his character I gained after he was put in prison for life without parole), I began to wonder if maybe they wondered if he had spiked my punch or something, cuz I hadn't told anyone I had been sick that day (I didn't want to miss a party afterall).

rayb · Hot Air Balloon

I hosted a sleepover with the kids of the same age as my girls just a few months ago, in which the whole bunch of kids, mine and the neighbor kids, all ended up puking, and I was up all night cleaning up massive amounts of vomit. One after another the kids came in and puked... I could've sent them home, but I thought that would've been mean, so I kept it all contained in my house. By the end of the night, every kid had a gallon icecream bucket and a towell to sleep with... and I disinfected the bathroom with rubbing alcohol.

It was pretty awesome.

--Ray

Poncho29 · Senior Bucketkeeper

Awesome???!!!

That's not the word I would use.
You're a man among men for not sending them home. I would've sent them home. Or at least let their parents know and let them make the decision.

Cat Herder · Understander of unimportant things

He couldn't send them home... he had to make sure there was no evidence of his spiking the chip dip...

hiccups · Future Queen in Zion

Congratualtions to Poncho & Catherder for surviving the girl invasion of '07

Cat Herder · Understander of unimportant things

Who says we survived... 12:30 came around and they still were making noise despite repeated admonitions to turn off the TV and playstation (which by the way got broken...

and then broken a second time after I took it apart late last night and repaired it) and go to bed. Overheard daughter telling other girls before I left for work that she only got 2 hours sleep... okay, who's fault is that?

So, I told them all that now that they had had their fun, the real purpose of daughter having them over was now to be revealed... I expected the house to be spic and span, laundry all done, yardwork all done, etc. by the time I got home... they had their fun, now they were to join the ranks of slavedom with our daughters...

bwa-ha-ha!

hiccups · Future Queen in Zion

I did say you and Poncho survived. I deduced this based on seeing the both of you online today. It's pretty simple logic unless you can manage to haunt Bountiful after you pass away.

salesortonscom · Wise and Revered Master

The Ghost of Nearly Headless Cat is in the house!!!

Poncho29 · Senior Bucketkeeper

Survival is relative. And, yes if Cat were to pass away he WILL come and haunt Bountiful.
He's got to find some way to pass the time in the next life. He will be a lurker ghost!

bokbadok · Senior Bucketkeeper

So, what's the answer going to be the next time your daughter wants a sleepover?

Poncho29 · Senior Bucketkeeper

I'll do what I did this last time. Put her off as long as I can until I run out of excuses and cave.
Already this morning daughter #2 is asking to have "her" sleepover in a couple of weeks. Even though she participated in the last one. I'm not up for it yet. Besides, Cat says all these girls practically ate us out of house and home!

PollyAnna · Senior Bucketkeeper

just wait... IT STARTS...

ETA: I found that food is a cheap product to feed your girls' boyfriends/boys' girlfriends... As long as there was food around the kids all came here to hang out and I could keep an eye on the shenanigans... I have three friends that all disliked having their kids' friends around, so the kids always went elsewhere to hang out... All three of those friends have grandchildren living in their home with either unmarried daughters or divorced ones (teen pregnancies)...

I don't say that this is a "sure" solution, but it's a lot easier to keep the kids outta' trouble when they are around... FWIW, it's been my experience that you have to build the idea of "this is the place to hang out" when they are younger than teens.

But like everything else I say around here... "this is only my opinion and what works for us..." aww

-- Edited by PollyAnna at 17:06, 2007-08-04

rayb · Hot Air Balloon

It's so darn expensive, though... I imagine I'll live at WinCo when my kids get to be teens...

--Ray

PollyAnna · Senior Bucketkeeper

It's all relative... especially when you look at expense.

rayb · Hot Air Balloon

btw, Polly do you have older daughters?

I know you have sons, right? I think daughters are a whole different ball of wax.

--Ray

PollyAnna · Senior Bucketkeeper

2 natural sons almost 22, 17... one natural daughter almost 20... 12 adopted daughters (4 who are actually like my own girls... they were here much more than they were home, and some lived with us for periods of time...) 26 adopted sons (again, some actually lived here...) Our adopted kids range in age from 18-31.

I have had lots of experience with teens of both "types"...

rayb · Hot Air Balloon

Wow. That's a lot of kids... :) And none of them had issues, eh? Cool. And you say it's because of the food... Somehow I think you had an influence in all this too...

--Ray

PollyAnna · Senior Bucketkeeper

Oh I didn't say NONE... But overall we have had many fewer "problems" among "our kids" than the averages for the same age groups... And none of the problems started within the walls of our home. In each case it was when the kids were elsewhere with a lot less supervision that they got into situations that were not the best. Kids are kids... and none of mine (natural OR adopted) are perfect... but they are all still connected to our hearts... we love 'em dearly and come to think of it... there isn't an axe murderer in the bunch!

And you are right Ray... the FOOD is only is a ploy so that we can keep them around and to have an influence... If they are off elsewhere that is where the influence will come from...

rayb · Hot Air Balloon

Sneaky. I like it!!

I'll never complain about empty cupboards again! ;)

--Ray

Poncho29 · Senior Bucketkeeper

You know Cat complained alot about our girls' sleepover last week, but right now he is on the ultimate sleep over with a bunch of boy scouts. Last year he complained about some boys who got freaked out by a racoon and kept calling him all night. He and the former scout master kept telling them to "Shut up and go back to sleep!"
But, he's got himself all set up. He got an ultra deluxe cot to sleep on and he took our tent and will not be sharing it with anyone. It is the Taj Mahal of tents. He even got himself a battery powered fan. He almost got himself a fold-out recliner, which he was going to jokingly call it his throne, but that never happened. Although it may happen in the future, since he has to do one overnight camp-out a month for about nine months out of the year.
If he thinks a bunch of girls kept him awake, we'll just wait and see how much sleep he gets with a bunch of boys! Oh, and when I meet him up there in Traverse city in a couple of days, I'm thinking the dude is going to have to shower and shave before I be a kissin' him!

Oh, and it could always be worse. At least he won't be with a bunch of girls when our daughter goes to girls camp next week.

zealia · Profuse Pontificator

Maybe this answer comes from the fact that I have never had children of my own but I vote for a provided that all the guests are the same gender as the child hosting and that they keep the typical rules of the house.

I look at my one on one sleep overs with a couple of different friends through the years as important steps in seeing how different homes can vary a little from my own. This can be as small as the mom sews dresses. And they use squeezable butter while we use it from a stick.

I have fond memories of the sleepovers that were larger groups as well.

PollyAnna · Senior Bucketkeeper

Yeah Poncho, hubby's done plenty'a scout overnighters... hikes... 50 milers, too... You name it he's been with those boys doing it... Over the years I tried not to complain when he was gone so that he could be with those boys... now a few of those boys are Scoutmasters, YM Leaders themselves, there is even one 28 yo Bishop... It's cool to hear them call "dad" for advise on this or that when it come to scouts... Most of them also recognized really quick when they start being the adult the sacrifice it takes to really care about teenagers... not just be the dad of your best friend, and an adult friend... but be YOUR surrogate dad in a pinch and love you enough to take you aside and make a difference... Even when you don't really want him to. Teens are NOT always easy to love... but IMO (and hubby's) it is ALWAYS worth it...

The girls were a whole OTHER "alien population" for hubby to deal with... but not surprisingly to anyone that knows hubby, they all still reach out to him for support and advise... even the few that are less active today.

Poncho29 · Senior Bucketkeeper

Polly, you and your hubby must be amazing people to have so many surrogate kids and think of you as your surrogate parents. Cat was overwhelmed when they called him to be scoutmaster. He feels woefully unqualified, even though he loves the scouting program. But, the boys respect him and he has a way with them. The bishop told me when he was consulting me on this call before it was extended that he even had a couple of boys request him and one wanted to know if they could meet more than once a week. That carried alot of weight when they were making the decision.

Although I'm sure Cat isn't enjoying life too much right now. If the weather up where he is is anything like it is here right now, then they're all getting soaked...
We've been needing rain desperately and now it decides to downpour. Figures.

PollyAnna · Senior Bucketkeeper

If I could have had 12 kids of my own I would have... My body was lucky to carry and deliver 3 live births... we lost a few too... I LOVE kids... I like every stage actually... Even the whinny stages...

Hubby grew up in a home with two alcoholic parents that still don't know how to love in a way that others, including their 2 sons, can identify easily... When he found the gospel it was as though the windows to his heart were opened to others in an AMAZING way...

He especially has a soft spot for teen boys in trouble because he easily could have been one... Fortunately for him a very caring man (the janitor at his SLCHigh School actually...) showed him the attention and care that he desperately needed, taught him how to work hard. Shared his wisdom with hubby as a scared and overwhelmed 17 yo. He in turn has been that person for others... It's a little harder than it used to be, because adult men who befriend young men are necessarily suspect... We have found that as long as you keep everyone in the open, which is what we do... there are few, if any, issues...

As for having so many kids around our home... in the last couple years many of the kids have started to head off to their own lives of missions, colleges, marriages and kids... The majority of the kids are between 24-18... At times my house is positively boring and TOO quiet. We are down to about 6-8 regulars... But 5 years ago we had 25 regulars and our first troubled teen came into our lives when our own kids were pretty young. They ALL think of him as a true brother, only the legal stuff was never done. When he was sealed to his wife I was there as his mom in the sealing room... He will soon be 32 and has 4 kids of his own. His own parents were abusive and drug dependant when he was growing up... Fortunately he has taken a different path with his life and is a great daddy and a good man, free from the tragedies of chemical dependency. Unfortunately in the last year he and his wife have gone through a very nasty divorce that has affected everyone involved. From my point of view many of the "problems" they had in their marital life could have been solved by a stronger dedication to the gospel and less personal selfishness...

There comes a time that even parents can't have as much influence as they would like on adult children... But IMO if you don't allow the Lord to be at the center of your marriage life can throw your loops that seem unsurpassable. That is the message we try to share with all these kids, by word and actions.

-- Edited by PollyAnna at 11:44, 2007-08-07

Euphrasie · Senior Bucketkeeper

Only 9 overnights a year? Wussy Scoutmaster.

rayb · Hot Air Balloon

...so be careful.

Cat Herder · Understander of unimportant things

Euphrasie wrote:

Only 9 overnights a year? Wussy Scoutmaster.

No, Poncho got that wrong... The Bishop informed me (as Charter Org Rep) that our troop camps 10 of the 12 months of the year. That includes at a minimum, 2 overnights at the Stake Center (our stake center has land behind it that is used for camping), a week long summer camp, and seven other overnights... including winter camping in Michigan.

Winter camping in up north in Michigan is not wussy... I double-dog-dare your husband's wussy Arizona-oh-were-gonna-get-frostbite-if-the- temperature-drops-below-fifty-degrees-above-zero troop to join us this coming January / February... (wondering to myself what I got myself into by accepting the calling as I never did winter camping except once myself as a boy, and that was in a cabin...)

Euphrasie · Senior Bucketkeeper

Well, that's more like it then.

And it does get to 30-degrees here, which is cold, even if it isn't 0.

Oh, and go do your Woodbadge training.

rayb · Hot Air Balloon

Campy campy!
Skipper Scampy!

Cat Herder · Understander of unimportant things

Euphrasie wrote:

Well, that's more like it then.

And it does get to 30-degrees here, which is cold, even if it isn't 0.

Oh, and go do your Woodbadge training.

Previous Scoutmaster was still wearing shorts into January...

Me, well, I don't look good in shorts to begin with plus I'm all for keepin' the legs warm when it's cold outside...

Woodbadge is on deck for spring 2008. Our council is setting up a LDS only session. I did get invited to Philmont this year, but I felt it would be better to wait until I've done other things first (besides not having the money or time to devote to the Philmont LDS leader training at this time) and would like to do it with my brother if possible since our dream of leavin' the womin's and chillun's behind so we can go tour Germany as civilian non-missionaries will never likely happen.

rayb · Hot Air Balloon

I would think if you "looked good" in shorts, you probably shouldn't wear them. it's only if you don't look good in them, that you should wear them. :)

--Ray

Poncho29 · Senior Bucketkeeper

This teenager of ours who I originally started this thread about has left for Girls Camp today.
She was totally psyched, 'cause its her "vacation" from babysitting her siblings while I'm at work and so is Cat. Never mind the bugs, the heat, the rain (if they get any), sleeping in a tent and sleeping bag, the girl was stoked. It is her fourth year and the fourth year girls are going on a canoe trip for 3 days as part of their "high adventure."
We'll see if the girls in our ward (which they probably will) will come back with a better behavior record than the 18 boys scouts Cat had last week.
Of course, Cat will tell you that the Young Women in our ward are treated like princesses (which they are) and every minute of their days have been planned out by the leaders (which they probably were) they won't have to do much for themselves in the way of cooking or anything else (which they probably won't). These girls have it made compared to when I went to Girl's Camp.

As a side note, I don't believe the sleep-over nightmare is over...
Our 10 year old is now discussing dates for her "party."

Cocobeem · Keeper of the Holy Grail

You've opened a can of worms. But hey! At least they're at your house - I think that's a good habit to start now.