So how do you handle your children when they destroy your house?
Yesterday I came home to a broken doorbell chime, cuz the girls were playing wallball in the house. My wife said that she couldn't get too mad, cuz she couldn't help but think of John Stockton's comments about how he played basketball everywhere, being athletic and someday maybe our girls would be wallball champions. Then I came home later after a meeting to find that they'd more or less attempted to take a bath OUTSIDE the bathtub...
Clearly these little acts of domestic terror are no big deal, but I want to teach my children to respect the home they live in. Sometimes it seems like the acts escalate, other times all's well in the home Zion built... What are some ideas and how do you handle finding some part of the home with a new hole in it? ;)
--Ray
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I'm not slow; I'm special. (Don't take it personally, everyone finds me offensive. Yet somehow I manage to live with myself.)
Stern lecture, loss of privileges, help with repair. There isn't much more you can do. I know when they break one of their siblings things I generally make them pay for it or buy them a new one. If they don't have money then they have to work to earn it. Sometimes stuff is just an accident too. I remember as a young guy helping my dad move wood and one of the logs bounced up and broke the window. It was just dumb luck. I wasn't punished for it. I also temper the punishment based on what I've told them. If I've told them three times not to play ball in the living room then they break something by not listening, then they get the full dose of medicine. If they are just playing around and something bad happens then I'm not so strict. I broke the window to the living room door once wrestling with my kids. I didn't punish myself that much so getting all enraged when the kids do something similar would send a pretty bad message that it is ok for dad but if I do it then I'm getting my hide tanned. Willful destruction gets severe punishments every time.
I have a real issue with water abuse. As in outside the bathtub, I'd probably lose it. I hate water messes! I probably yell more than I should... There's sometimes "hell and fire" but then much love after. We've done slave labor, too, when they're old enough to be useful slaves. And sometimes slave of the wronged, if that applies. Like they have to do whatever the wronged says for 30 minutes. So fun watching the 10 yo boy play dolls with his 8 yo sister.
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Life is tough but it's tougher if you're stupid. -John Wayne
My dad used to come outside when he saw us children or visiting friends throwing or hitting a ball near a window and say that unless they are able to fix a broken window that they better not play there. I guess that is a preventive measure. Because if you do something where there is a potentional for destruction, there is always the risk of it happening.
There are plenty of things that one can do for fun that are not destructive. Everything in its time and place.
Kids need to know that destructive behavior is wrong though. I've babysat children who simply don't know that it's wrong, and it's hard for me as the babysitter to try to teach them how to act properly when it's "ok" with their mom. In fact, to keep them from crying, she takes the blame herself. They don't need to cry, but they need to learn how to be more cautious in the future. I always try to tell kids "don't worry about it this time, but next time know that...." If the actions are repetitive, more action must be taken, but usually that works just fine for me...and that's with other people's kids.
In my house we had different balls for inside than outside. To be destructive with them you really had to try hard, but we could play wall-ball just fine. Actually, my sister and I would play "wall-teddy" when we couldn't find the balls, in the wall in our room which didn't have breakable things. Kid's just need to know how to act in different situations.
-- Edited by glumirk at 16:54, 2007-04-19
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Catch them doing something right. "Thank you for keeping so much water in the bathtub this time. You're showing me that you care about our house, and I'm really happy about that."
Reward positive behavior and ignore negative behavior unless it's intentionally hurtful or dangerous.
Another thing that really helps kids are what teachers call rubrics. (They've taken liberties with the strict definintion.) Write down the expected behaviors and procedures on a chart, model the desired behavior and procedures, walk them through it, give them a chance to succeed, then positively reinforce the behavior. I'm not suggesting you develop a rubric for every household procedure, but if there are one or two things (like bathing procedures or room cleaning procedures) that are really important to your sanity, try one out! Use pictures for the little ones, if necessary. Keep them simple--younger kids can't mentally process more than two or three steps at a time. Post the rubric where they can refer to it, and direct their attention to it as necessary.
BTW, I have a restroom rubric for my first graders. You'd be surprised how many six-year-olds haven't had the training at home.
eta: One of the great things about rubrics is that it helps kids to develop independence. And that leads to intrinsic motivation rather than having a parent or teacher constantly providing the extrinsic reward. Kids feel good about themselves when they become competent at something that's worthwhile (like helping to keep the house clean.) Especially if they see that something as "what big kids do" or "how grownups do it."
-- Edited by Roper at 18:26, 2007-04-19
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Reward positive behavior and ignore negative behavior unless it's intentionally hurtful or dangerous.
No offense, but this is a great idea in theory, but horrible in real life...
Even God has multiple ways of dealing with his children, ranging from all out destruction and hellfire (telestial law), the Law of Moses, Law of Gospel, Law of Consecration to the "teach them correct principles and let them govern themselves..."
I'm thinking my children are starting to take for granted the correct principles ...
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I'm not slow; I'm special. (Don't take it personally, everyone finds me offensive. Yet somehow I manage to live with myself.)
rayb wrote:Reward positive behavior and ignore negative behavior unless it's intentionally hurtful or dangerous.
No offense, but this is a great idea in theory, but horrible in real life...
I dunno. It's worked pretty well in my experience. My observation is that negative behavior most often occurs out of ignorance or from a desire for attention. That's when I ignore the negative behavior while encouraging positive behavior. On those rare occasions when the negative behavior is intentionally hurtful to people, harmful to property, or dangerous to the child, that's when I address it. Immediately. With younger kids, I redirect. With older kids, I state my expectations, their possible choices, and the consequences. Then I let them choose and I follow through, as consistently as possible. As much as possible, I try to preserve their agency and avoid giving them false choices. I also try to ensure they will experience the logical consequences of their choices.
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The ability to qualify for, receive, and act on personal revelation is the single most important skill that can be acquired in this life. - Julie Beck
The thread's headline is nothing new in the Cat Herder house... what would be a real headline is "Kids clean up their messes and don't get into anything without having to be told ninety-eleven times... details at 11"
Often, it seems to only take one of the kids to walk through the room, and it goes from semi-orderly -- or even in the rare occasion neat -- and there is a transformation that follows them, much like the closing scene in Disney's Fantasia, but in reverse...
I'd be lieing if I said Mrs. Cat and I are perfect in our response, as all the little Cat Herders -- regardless of age -- exhibit a distinct level of selective hearing.
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It seems to me the only thing you've learned is that Caesar is a "salad dressing dude."
When my wife and I are at a gathering and it's time to go home, I will always say... "Well, time to drive up our street and see if we still have a home." I always get smiles with that line.
Roper has a great idea... we are bad parents and use $$$ as a bribe... most times it works, but I'm a poor dad with empty pockets.
Today we had to go to a Relief Society thing and then there was yard work to do but my wife paid big bucks to the 14 year old to take care of the 4 year old and keep her out of my wife's way. It was fun to see the 4 year old boss her older brother around like he was a slave... once I heard her say, "But remember, your getting paid for this"... I just roll my eyes and smile.
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no unhallowed hand can stop the work from progressing... the truth of God will go forth till it has penetrated every website, sounded in every ear, till the purposes of God shall be accomplished and the great Jehovah shall say the work is done
We've done slave labor, too, when they're old enough to be useful slaves. And sometimes slave of the wronged, if that applies. Like they have to do whatever the wronged says for 30 minutes. So fun watching the 10 yo boy play dolls with his 8 yo sister. 
